chemrulz & running!

Bad Kitty (This post is Explicit, be forewarned)

2011-01-13T20:27:00.001-08:00

I know, I know. It's an innocent children's book. No innuendo I'm sure. But when I'm this close to my period starting, for some reason, my hormones go crazy and I'm about 50X hornier than I am any other time of the month. And I know this because almost every time we've gone to a party at the Lounge it was a couple of days to a week before I was supposed to start and I would wear Kitten out. Anyway the point is that because of that my mind has been nowhere but in the gutter today (all the dips on my run graph was me tripping because I was distracted by all the sex music on my iPod tonight, I need to listen to less sexually charged music). So here's the story.

First of all, in case you haven't guessed it's about a Kitty (in my head, insert Pussy throughout the whole book). In the first few pages it describes how Pussy bathes. By licking of course...so it says she licks this way and that way. She licks, licks, licks and seriously I am trying to stay composed but it's nearly impossible when I turn the page and this is what I'm greeted with:

Needless to say, I couldn't contain my laughing, which then led to a coughing fit (still not quite over that yet). Finally composed, we continue (of course Jules is thoroughly confused, but oh so pleased that Momma is amused by this clever little book he's been dying to read for days).

Once we've determined how much the Pussy likes to be licked we proceed to the cautions of overlicking. This is why pussy's should be carefully groomed I dare say. In my opinion, while not always attractive, hairless felines are more up my alley than big old fur balls. Just sayin. In my opinion. Anywho back to the story...so if Pussy is not careful there will be hair balls of course. Which of course then has to be coughed up and you know if it's a hairy Pussy then those hair balls can be quite large. Okay ladies, no innuendo here...a shaved Pussy is a happy Pussy, I'm a lesbo, I know this, I'm not, let me repeat NOT a carpet muncher <steps off soap box>. (Illustration)


As a lesbo, the sight of this hairball, caused a gag reflex to occur. I'm not proud, but seriously, it frightens me. Please shave your Pussy. For me. KThxBai.

So now that we've established the dangers of hairballs, there is further discussion of licking. Still, straight face cannot be had at this part of the book...I mean seriously, how much of this story is about licking. I like licking as much as the next girl, oh trust me I do, but this Pussy is really getting licked. I mean worked over, if we women could do this to ourselves, well we'd never have to date again. Here's the next illustration. More licking.

The *but* there at the end of that page is to signify we are moving on from licking and to the purpose of this story. Apparently what happens is the Pussy gets in trouble. So the Pussy gets punished. In this case the punishment is a bath. Now go figure where my heads at. Insert any punishment here you like. Bath, spanking, flogging, caning...oh the list is endless, just insert the one in your head that you're in the mood for. So the Pussy is going to get a bath. But the Pussy doesn't want a bath. The Pussy doesn't think she did anything wrong. There's preparation for the bath where the ~~Top~~ owner gets everything prepared for her. Running the water, ~~setting the scene~~ getting all the necessary supplies. Then there's the finding of the ~~Bad Bottom~~ Bad Pussy. Here Pussy, Pussy, Pussy. Once the Pussy is found then the ~~beating~~ bathing can commence. Well first there is the convincing the ~~Bottom~~ Pussy that she needs the bath. I'm not making this up either, I'm quoting from the book.

Gently but firmly gather Pussy up in your arms.

Pet her and caress her lovingly to reassure Pussy that all is well.

Tell Pussy that you love her. No doubt, Pussy will tell you that she loves you, too.

Now, gently lower Pussy in the warm, soapy water for her bath.

The book plays this segment off as a dream sequence because there's no way that Pussy is going to take that ~~beating~~ bath so easily knowing exactly what's coming to her. Next the book explains that you should *convince* the Pussy she needs her ~~punishment~~ bath. The first thing you should try is a firm voice. When that doesn't work then negotiation, yes, NEGOTIATION (you can only imagine where my head is at this point, I'm really trying hard to maintain composure when this word crops up, but damn it was not easy). When negotiation doesn't work then one should try flattery, then begging (I'm beginning to wonder exactly who the ~~Top~~ owner is in this story), bribery and when all else fails resort to reverse psychology. Eventually Pussy gets her bath. Yes she does and she makes all kinds of a raucous doing it that I'm sure would ~~please~~ disturb any ~~Top~~ owner who doled it out. And more proof that shaving the pussy is good? After the bath this is what the Pussy looks like:


AAAAhhhhhh! As a lesbian, please for the love of all that is sacred, SHAVE the PUSSY!

This is WRONG on so many levels I tell ya. Moving right along. Once the Pussy has dried off (and the lesbian has caught her breath, frightening, all that fur, OMG, I'm on the verge of a panic attack) and the poof ball has receded. Pussy must again tend to her licking. Yes, we've come full circle, the Pussy is back to licking. There will be contempt. Apparently this ~~Bottom~~ Pussy doesn't like after care.

No really, contempt and no after care. As a ~~Top~~ owner give the Pussy her space. She seems to really need it.

Eventually though, your ~~Bottom~~ Pussy will come around and be grateful for what she was given.

Just know that ultimately a clean Pussy is a happy Pussy. (And a shaved Pussy makes for a happy licking Lesbian, just sayin')

A Moment in Time

2010-09-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

This blog has chronicled many things. One of those being raising my son, which if you 've been following this you know, I'm now doing as a co-parent with both of us living in different residences. I was the working parent up until his Kindergarten year. I was the traditional *daddy* figure. Get up, go to work, bring home the bacon, spend a little time playing with the kiddo at night, occasionally putting him to bed. Those moments were always precious to me. Especially as he got older and was able to communicate with me.

Now he is in first grade and the bulk of his school week is spent with me. I get him up in the morning and deliver him to his other mom. I'm off to work at an ungodly hour (I'm soooo not a morning person), I work my 8 hours and then rush to his school to collect him every day but Monday. We have yet to *settle* into a routine, but we're getting there. Homework started in earnest this week and it has been overwhelming on many fronts. My dryer broke, I needed to recommit to my workouts as they are necessary to my mental and physical health, he had about 1 hours worth of homework each night. Plus one night a week I'm responsible for dinner. Then some free time for him that's usually less than 30 minutes, bath and then bed. We of course have to read a bed time story each night, which has become my favorite part of the day.

Tonight was a night I really needed though. I've been feeling as though I'm failing, I'm just keeping my head above water, I'm failing as a parent, I'm not meeting all of his needs. His teacher met with me on Tuesday because she was not happy with his coloring (I'm not even going to go down this road with this because it will just make me aggravated and this is a positive post). She suggested we color an identical picture together every night as part of his homework. She also assigned some extra writing.

We started the reading and writing on Tuesday. He did really well. Then last night we tried going to the gym before homework, by the time we started he was hot, sweaty, tired and hungry. Bad idea, won't repeat that. Tonight we went to the store to get his extra homework books. Every time I get to engage with him like this I'm overwhelmed by a child's capacity to absorb knowledge. He did his writing exercise and then we sat down to color. I haven't colored since I was his age. I have not sat still like that without technology in ages. And he talked and talked and talked. And I just listened and listened and listened. At one point he looked at me and said, "am I doing good? I'm staying in the lines. You know why? Because I'm taking my time." Then he paused and said, "I wuv you momma, I'm having fun wiff you." I was choking back tears and could only respond, "I'm having fun with you too buddy."

We were reading the colors of all the crayons (we bought the new 150 pack with unnamed colors in it). He was trying to read them and then confirming with me. Some were pretty funny. And when we were wrapping up and I told him I needed to get dinner started he said, "maybe sometime we could have fwog wegs...they taste wike chicken." I just absolutely cracked up, where do kids get this stuff.

If only real life could be like 1st grade

2010-09-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

I didn't blog about this when it happened because I didn't want to give it life. I felt I'd take the high road and just leave it alone but now that my 6 year old keeps bringing it up I feel compelled to.

A couple of months ago my best friend and I had a falling out. As you can imagine she's no longer my best friend. I chose to help a friend in need that happened to be her husband and she was unhappy with the way I handled the situation. I was made responsible for the entire outcome and now we are no longer on speaking terms.

The problem is my 6 year old absolutely adored her. And all of her kids. His first non-family sleepover was on Christmas night at her house. My life was falling apart around me, I imbibed a little too much at Christmas dinner while at their home and I just was a really poor excuse for a parent that night. She rescued me. She was a rock for me when my wife left and I appreciated that immensely. There are some people in life though, that no matter what you do or how you handle your own life they just aren't going to be pleased with you. Again she helped teach me a lesson. Finally I realized I can't please everyone, I can't be there for everyone, I'm not always going to handle the situation for everyone the way they want me to. I'm in a learning phase right now. I'm breaking very old habits and learning newer, healthier (hopefully) ones.

I'm walking him home from school a couple of days ago and out of the blue he says, "Momma can we go to Mel's house again sometime soon?" I knew one day he'd ask it, I knew one day I'd have to have this conversation. I still wasn't prepared for it but I answered.

"Well buddy, that probably won't happen again." I respond.
"Why momma?" he asks.
"Well, momma did something that Mel didn't like and I hurt her feelings. She's very angry with momma now and doesn't want to talk to me anymore." I answer.
"Well you could say you're sorry." he replies. "Like on the playground when somebody gets hurt."
"Well kiddo, I tried that, but sometimes apologies aren't enough. You can say them but the other person doesn't have to accept them. Mel is angry enough at me that she does not want to accept mine. So we probably won't be able to see her again. I'm sorry that makes you sad."

He seemed to grasp all of this, I was relieved. What struck me most about the conversation was the innocence with which he thought a simple apology could make it all better. Of course I wondered to myself, really, why couldn't it? Was what I did so wrong that as adults we can't step back, reflect on all of our actions and just let it go. As with a relationship with a significant other, we make the necessary compromises to work through issues. Why can't we respect our friends enough to offer some of those same compromises.

On the playground, we would have gotten up, brushed ourselves off, cried a little, apologized, maybe even fumed a little the rest of the day. And at the next recess, all would have been forgotten. Sometimes I think children really can teach us adults a few lessons.

Vacation High or Reality Blues

2010-08-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

Well I survived my first solo trip to OK with the boy. He had a blast, it was actually pretty relaxing for me and much processing was done. Ironically the expectation that the trip would be emotional was not met and I'm finding the return home is what is getting to me. I suppose this is what is supposed to happen with a vacation, you're supposed to get away and relax and recuperate, but most people in general like their life and are happy to get home and back to their everyday realities, at least that's what I assume.

But the return has been more taxing than the journey. And now I find I can't even vent the way I normally would. I don't want it to sound like I'm making excuses or not taking responsibility for my choices. I don't want to sound petty or weak. I don't know how the conversation got started back in Oklahoma but my sister said something along the lines,"when that happens at my house, you get a 'suck it up'." So I guess that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to suck it up and hope that doesn't make me so skinny I spiral down the rabbit hole once again.

Leona Lewis - Better In Time

2010-04-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

I just don't understand this process. If the brain is the control center, then why doesn't it tell the damn heart to get over it.

Here are the lyrics:

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming
Thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All that I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time

Relapse? Regression? Fear of Loneliness?

2010-04-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

New ink! Yay! And this one felt really personal and defining, but in a good way. I'm quickly learning that getting a tattoo is almost secondary to what is really occurring. I guess that's bound to happen when your tattoo artist is your ex-wife. She has given me a couple since our separation and the last one was a bit uncomfortable. The discussion was more blaming and finger pointing than this time. This time it was just bizarre.

We have a son together so that's something we can always share about. But when she asked me why I picked this particular tattoo, I wasn't really sure I wanted to answer. I did and she said I was putting myself in a box. I almost laughed myself off the table at that one, but it opened the door for a conversation I never could have imagined. A conversation that brought me back nostalgically to our early days. A conversation that reminded me what brought us together in the first place and it almost felt like old times. So now of course, I relapse, I regress, and I reflect.

She finally gave me vague details of why she left. Lack of attention, not attracted to butch women...but those seemed pretty surface. I didn't push. I thought I would be okay with things once she'd moved on. It was much harder than I realized to find out she was sleeping with someone else. I don't really know why that was hard, since I am too. But I suppose it's another piece of the finality of it all. The question is, why the morning after do I want it all back? Then the realization is that I don't want 'her' back, I want an 'us' back. I'm not a solitary person and I'll never be alone because I have this beautiful child that fills me with love. Adult companionship though has always been very important to me. I know I've been labeled a serial monogamist, but I don't care. Some aspects of who you are you can't change. I've realized as I've gotten older what compatibility means though and each partner I've had, has taught me something very new. I've learned that upon reflection none of those relationships would have worked long term (well longer term than they did, 2 years, 4 years and 10 years) because the relationship was missing very key aspects. Starting with communication. My first partner and I came out together, explored the lifestyle together, but we were in no way compatible. She was more than twice my age, an artist and an alcoholic. Sadly she died in 2006 and I only hope that she found some peace and revelation in her life. My second 'long' term relationship was almost as incompatible. Two very different paths and I think I was attracted to what she stood for. She was a single mom who was very determined and achieving. She had very defined aspirations and she worked very hard to make sure her son had every opportunity life could throw at him. But her son was her world and I needed too much attention. Many gifts beyond worth were received from that relationship however and I only regret how I left it.

The largest lessons though were learned from spending 10 years with a person and many things I thought I knew about myself it turns out must not be true after all. The one comment from that whole exchange last evening that I cannot seem to shake is when she was describing her new 'love'. I said she seems like a nice person and her response was,"she really is and she's a caregiver, she just wants everyone to be happy." She described how relaxed she is now even when she's stressed out by life and content she is. And I try not to be bitter as I'm still supporting her sister and two kids. I try to reflect that part of her anxiety was driven by me, but I can't help but be angry that she wouldn't even wait 6 months until they moved out to see if "we", our family unit of 3 could even work. My one big aspiration in life was family. To be 'happily' married, have a kid or two, and be a family. I just don't know if I'm capable of that. I can't seem to settle in with someone who is okay with all of me. The reflection is though that I've been trying to be someone I'm not in those relationships. I've tried being femme, I've tried by butch. The reality is I'm in between. I've tried being submissive and I've tried being dominant and the reality is I'm somewhere in between. I guess what I've not tried is being me. And what of those other women, what were my expectations of them that were not met? One was an alcoholic, one was inattentive and the other we just had nothing in common. The last one I could have been great friends with. And had I been stronger, it's probably what we always would have just been. But we both took an unnecessary leap that brought us together, albeit for 10 years, and gave us a beautiful son, but was not going to be "THE ONE" for either one of us. She can now have her blue collar life and her new wife and two kids (because one day, that's what they will be).

Expectations for my life have been shattered because I'm finding you just can't really count on anything. I want/need for my son to have a healthy, happy, secure, and loving life. I can give that to him, my ex can give that to him, we just can't give it to him as a unit. He's essentially already got 3 moms in his life because he already identifies with the 'new love' of my ex's life. He's called me by her name, I'm sure he's slipped and called her mom. That tortures me to no end. That I don't know what his life is like all day long. That I can't be with him whenever I want. That at the end of a rough day, I may go home, but he won't be there. Sure I can be alone, can't everyone? I guess the bigger question is, why would you want to? I've decided that's what suits me best and I'm better at it when there are few people in the house instead of the chaos that's been my life for the past 4 years. I mean, I can be attentive. If given the chance. I can be a caregiver/caretaker when I've got my little family unit to focus my energy on. I guess I'm finding her excuses cop-outs, but I have no idea what's going on in her head. She stated it pretty clearly again last night. "Two years ago if we'd decided to do counseling, things probably would have turned out differently. This time though, I'd already moved past that and I knew no amount of counseling could change my mind." Well I'm glad she finally decided to be honest I guess.

Heart Needs to take lesson from Head

2010-03-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

Okay so if you know me or follow my blog at all you know I've recently gone through the break-up of my marriage. So what more could I possibly have to write about right? I mean I've moved on right? Absolutely...or so I think...then some dumb new thing happens and I find myself going WTF?

I don't understand why it has to be so difficult. I know why she left or at least I think I do, she won't communicate it beyond,"I'm dying emotionally. I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm not attracted to you anymore. I don't want to try and work it out anymore." Pretty evident what she's trying to say huh? I still don't understand it though. I mean I know I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. And I suppose I'm no longer her "type" since I look vastly different than when she met me. But I'm still the same person, underneath it all. I mean I'm not broken anymore like I was when she met me. And the person she's "in love" with now could arguably be considered that just from what I know of her. Did she dislike being a stay at home mom so much that she couldn't make the changes with me that she is now making for this new person? Was it so hard to fathom working it out with me such that she could work a regular job, get her own car, etc? What happened to the person that was okay with having only one car and being able to jet off to the islands for photographing in her spare time? Can I ever let this go? Why do I keep getting hung up on stupid shit like this?

So here's the head speaking: We were clearly no longer communicating to the point that the likelihood we ever would be able to again was slim just based on her personality alone. She would never be willing to open herself up for the kind of communication we would need. We clearly were no longer compatible sexually and I'm not entirely convinced we ever were after the first 3 months of our relationship started. We make a great parenting duo but clearly that's not enough to base a relationship on. I was just as unhappy as she was, because I've never been in such good spirits as I have been in the past month/month and a half. I never realized how much I missed being social until I've gotten it all back. I can't believe that I've spent the last 10 years living the way that I have when I've known all along it's not who I am. I love hanging out with my friends as much as I love my time with my little guy. I had a great time on my Arizona vacation and loved coming home every bit as much to see my little man.

Now the frakking heart. Why do I still freaking tear up when I run across an anniversary card (oh, well let's put that into perspective shall we: said card was from last year's anniversary which is still less than one year ago, and it said I love you know more than ever can't wait to see what the next 37 years bring)? I mean how do things go from first to worst in just a few months? Seriously I can trace the whole thing, yet why do I need to? I'm just torturing myself with questions I'm never going to get the answers to and rethinking patterns that I can no longer affect. Why did I get upset when I found out that the person she left me for is on the verge of moving in with her and getting a car with her? And I have to imagine that they still haven't slept together because they are both living with the new crush's parents who are devoutly religious. I can't fathom any of this and it's just as upsetting as it is frustrating as it is angering....especially when through all of this it just doesn't seem like she's considering our son in this at all. What's going to happen to him when this whirlwind courtship ends up not working out, oh let's see just like the last one she was in...or does she expect that the last one last 10 miserable years, I could probably have the patience for 15 with the next one and my son will be an adult so no big deal for him to deal with the loss of another relationship. Yes, my son has met the person I'm currently seeing, yes he's seen me be affectionate, but no more affectionate than I am with the other people I'm around as well. I hug everybody. I'm a very tactile affectionate person who craves human contact, just as he does. So he's not getting the message that there could potentially be a new "parent" in his life. I think I actually gasped this evening when he slipped and called me by the crush's name.

I could vent this out for days, what's the point? I need to let it all go. My head gets the rationale, my head understands that dwelling on it is a waste of energy that I could be expending on something more productive. Why can't my fucking heart get the same message and move the frak on?

Spin Class or Metaphor for Recovery

2010-01-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

So I’ve been going to this spin class with my peeps for about a month or so now and I really like the instructor. The catch is I’ve done a class with two different instructors and liked both. This week was the first time I’d done two in one week though and both were highly therapeutic physically and mentally. The Thursday classes in the beginning were a get out of the house and go hang with the people that just let me be me, while getting an hours worth of exercise in. I didn’t really push myself in the early goings for a couple of reasons, I wasn’t eating enough so didn’t have the energy and wasn’t feeling motivated. But the past couple of weeks I’ve started focusing on the class itself and me. The discoveries have been eye opening.

I feel like I should be taking a tape recorder with me on Thursdays so that I can remember how each comment she makes touches me but I feel like that’s too analytical. So all the things I’d like to say I won’t get out here but just know I feel mentally and physically challenged after her class.

I’ll start with last Thursday. I’d hit my all time low. My rock bottom had finally been reached. My ex asked for the official divorce and the finality of it all overwhelmed me. We had gone to the bank that day and my head was not in a good spot. My nutrition had not been great that day and I tanked the class, apparently to the point the instructor thought I was going to pass out. I processed that class though. I wasn’t on the brink from physical fatigue so much as mental fatigue. I was a wreck for a couple of days, but finally moved on.

So I get through the weekend just fine and decide since I’m childless on Monday I’ll get in a shadowboxing class and the spin class after it. The spin class got off to a slow start. The energy wasn’t really there, I kept checking my watch to see if it was over yet. Then our last hill interval was set to P!nk’s So What and away I went. The therapy began.

Good day Tuesday, then a step back on Wednesday and I wonder what Thursday will bring. The answer was energy. I hadn’t had much sleep the past couple of days but I was energized by the prospect of going to spin class. I love seeing my peeps on Thursday. I look forward to it as much as the spin so I was already feeling the vibe. The class was kick ass. She worked our booty off. I was just riding along minding my own business at the start and we get mostly through our first interval set when Natasha Bedingfield’s Unwritten comes on to get us through it. I totally switched gears at that point from just a spin class to “listening” to music, the instructor and my heart. I cut my head right out of it. Just went with the flow and processed. And being in this class is just like reading your horoscope. The instructor has no clue what you are going through personally. They don’t know what you are processing away from the class. But I just listened to her. I had started doing it last week. But this week she’s giving encouragement to get you through the class and little does she know the depths of her words. That what she says has such a bigger meaning or impact on a person sitting there right in the front row. How can she? She’s there telling me to push my limits, find what I can accomplish, challenge myself to move forward and when I started listening to her with my heart, I started to push myself physically. It was the best workout I’d had to date. I look forward to Monday’s class with her because she’s better than any therapy I was getting from my counselor and she doesn’t even know it.

Head vs Heart or the Anatomy of a Break-up

2010-01-26T22:24:00.000-08:00

I've been through my share of break-ups. I've done most of the breaking, but the inevitable finally came for me and I was broken. I never saw it coming, never thought I would be the one to go through it. I thought I was on top of the world. I was smug, egotistical about it even to some extent probably. I took it for granted. I never fought hard enough, long enough, deep enough. I just expected I'd always be enough, because I provided everything. Well almost everything. I was inattentive. I wasn't sensual. I wasn't sexual. I wasn't a "care" giver. Ultimately I failed it as much as she did. Can I truly fault her for being "done"? Can I truly resent her for not WANTING to "try"? Can I truly be angered by her lack of desire to want to make something work that hasn't for some time? Sure I can, but would it be fair? To fault, resent or be angered when I'm just as guilty. She could argue I didn't "try", that I've been "done" or I've lacked desire for awhile, because I didn't SHOW her how much she meant to me. I didn't make her FEEL like the world revolved around her. She probably felt like a place holder. I can't begin to analyze how she feels because she won't talk to me. She won't let me in. So where do we go from here? Divorce apparently. At least that's what she wants. And the sooner the better as far as she's concerned.

So here I go. I'm a logical, analytical person who has the unfortunate characteristic of FEELING too deeply as well. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. I give deeply, extensively, ultimately of myself whomever you are. I think it's the one thing she misunderstands about me. That even though she wants to no longer be my wife, she will never be free of my concern or my fear or my worry for her. I've spent too many years on those emotions devoted and dedicated specifically to her. But what I misunderstand about myself is that doesn't necessarily mean I'm still "in" love with her. Nor does it mean I've been "in" love with her for some period of time. It does mean I love her. Am I still attracted to her, hell ya! She's gorgeous, beautiful, but was I "happy"? Ultimately probably not. There were things that I couldn't stand. She couldn't complete a project. She had no motivation to pursue the things she was amazing about. She lacked desire not just for me or our marriage but for everything she started. As everyone keeps telling me...I can't change her, can't make her more productive for her "hobbies" or give her desire to achieve. So ultimately its not on me and eventually I will be unhappy with where she's ended up. Would I like to get the chance to see that for myself? You bet. I still want to make all her dreams come true. But she has to know what those dreams are first and she doesn't nor do I think she has the capacity to seek her heart for what they are. I, unfortunately, truly believe she's "content" with mediocrity. She doesn't have desires beyond simple pleasure. She doesn't have a big picture, she lives for the moment and the moment she's living for right now doesn't include the planner that I am. I can certainly respect that. I don't have to like it right now. But I'm beginning to understand it.

This is where we get to head vs heart. My head has been speaking all along. My head knows how to partition all of this. My head is ready to move on and explore what is out there. I have desires, goals that I want to accomplish. I want to embrace life and live every moment like it's my last. Irony of it all, I feel like she's been holding me back and yet we wouldn't even be where we are if she hadn't had a maternal instinct to raise a child. She got me to this point. It's as though she got me to the cliff's edge and there's a bridge to a whole new world that she just won't allow herself to cross. I'm ready, I want to see what's on the other side, what awaits me. What adventures there are to explore. If we stay married do I think that all of the things I'd like our son to do would happen? No I don't because she will barely leave the house. We've been in the Pacific Northwest 6 years, within 4 hours of 3 volcanoes and never been to the park. We only just ventured to the Pacific Coast this past summer. Would we ever ski with him? No. Would we ever go to Canada as a family? Not likely.

Now for my heart. Do I want her back right this minute? No. I don't. Did I see that answer coming? No I didn't. One week ago, I was an absolute mess, I would have been on my knees begging. Would I ever consider a relationship with her again? I don't know. And again, not the answer I expected. An hour ago I was ready to pick up the phone and text her, telling her again how sorry I was that I wasn't more attentive. That it's unfortunate that I couldn't have had this renaissance I'm having right now while we were together. It could have made the last 10 years more fun. Would it have mattered? I don't know. One part of me thinks not. She downloaded Kelly Clarksons' latest song, Already Gone. Had I listened to it sooner I would have known there was something wrong, maybe even been somewhat prepared for the inevitable. Does it make it any easier? Absolutely not. Does it not hurt to be told you're unwanted, not attractive to the person you've been with the past 10 years? It hurts like hell. But why? Is it ego? Is it self-confidence? It feels personal, your self-esteem certainly takes a hit. But did it hurt because she left me or bruised me.

When I lead with my head, I've managed to compartmentalize it all and move myself on. When I'm still and alone and quiet, my heart begins to "think". To wonder, to "what if". But each day I realize that those are things I'm not going to get the answer to so I really should just stop torturing myself with them. Each day it gets a little easier to be alone. To adjust to being a single parent. To adjust to "sharing" my son. I think more than anything that hurts the most. To see him come from a "broken" home, to have to experience what many American children do and go through this divorce. But as one of my best friend's pointed out in her article, ultimately hopefully he'll have 4 people that care immensely about him and want what's best for him and support his goals and dreams.

I will let my heart process, but know that I have to stop acting on impulse. That alone just drives her farther away. I know she needs her space and I just keep smothering her. Eventually I hope we find a happy medium of friendship that will allow us to be the best parents for our son that we can be. And that we love and respect who the other is and I hope that she understands that I only always want the best for her and ultimately I just want her to be happy. I'm sad that I couldn't do those things for her, but I hope that one day, there will be a person that will allow me to give freely of the emotions that I carry and won't find those a burden. And that she can find a person that is content to live in the moment and make her feel loved and cherished for all that she does. As Tim McGraw says,"Just to see you smile." I wouldn't trade the last 10 years for anything. I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned a lot about love and happiness and family and giving. And I have an amazingly beautiful son that is the center of my universe. For all of those things I love her for giving me and am thankful for every moment.

Now to grasp my future. Find my happy mediums. And let my ember burn, because I know there's a fire inside ready to erupt. And that's my heart talking.

Why I Don't Watch Awards Shows or Take Some Freakin' Responsibility

2009-09-28T22:29:00.000-07:00

So yet another pet peeve has surfaced for me and this one I generally don't let get to me. I whine and rant about it for a few minutes then let it go...thought it eventually might be blog material and lo and behold here we go...would have left it alone, but I got "deleted" on FB because apparently it would seem someone must have taken my well wishes the wrong way and was offended. Of course that person should know that it was meant with good intent and meant to offer support but clearly that person doesn't know me as well as they should.

So what the hell is it you ask? Take some damn responsibility for where you are in life. I recently did a triathlon and if I never hear the phrase,"On your left" again it'll be too soon, but another phrase that has been whittled to a nub is,"I first want to Thank God for giving me this gift that put this award in my hands." Or "I'm praying for such & such to happen". Or "pray that I get what I want."

Okay first of all that talent you got was from your genetic make-up. You got the right combination of genes that made your voice box perform at the perfect pitch, you got the right genes that effortlessly shaped your ear canal during gestation that allows you such great balance while you're dancing or doing gymnastics or singing. You have a great genetic makeup that allows you to pack on the muscle you need to run the 100m at lightning speed. And your dedication and endless hours of practice, sweat and tears to put that gift to work. That gift was from your parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc and passed along to you through generations, not from some mythological being with a big white beard and staff looking down on you (and by the way does he not remind you of someone? Like Neptune with his trident, or Zeus with his lightning bolt throwing staff?)

Secondly, really if there was this mythological beast, do you really think he cares about the minutiae of your life when there are little kids being tortured and abused by their parents? I mean he doesn't bestow things on you because you're worthy. If that was the case there would be very few people worthy of anything. You made your choices that set your life in motion and no one but you were in charge of those choices. I know I'm at the place I am in my life because of my choices. I choose to accept that I don't own a house because my credit sucks because I made bad decisions, but I also know that I have a home to live in and a happy family to support because I made the sacrifice and effort to get my college degree and provide for my family. None of that was God's will and I take full responsibility for it all. Was I helped? You bet, but not by some damn ethereal being, but by my family, friends, partner that supported me emotionally, mentally and financially. Through good & bad.

I hate watching awards shows cuz every dang speech starts the same way. I mean if there's a God why would he continuously heap rewards upon these people as they clearly don't need our help, they are all beautiful, talented, smart and God gave it all to them...what did we ever do wrong that we don't get such showered on us? I'm guaranteeing I'm smarter than Jessica Simpson but I'm not making millions. I can't throw a football more than two feet but I can help fight cancer, again not making hundreds of thousands even. So if I pray that I should make more money than a baseball player or Mariah Carey, will my prayer be answered? Uh no, because there's no way that I will take the actions necessary to do that, because I don't have the MOTIVATION to get a PhD and force my way through the circuits that would eventually yield me a job that pays like those.

IF YOU GET AN A ON TEST YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD, PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK FOR LEARNING AND MAYBE THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS THAT THEY SPRINKLED A LITTLE FAIRY DUST OVER YOU. NEXT TIME YOU HIT ONE OVER THE GREEN MONSTER, PAT YOURSELF ON YOUR BACK, LIKE YOUR TEAMMATES WILL DO, THANK YOUR TRAINER, YOUR COACH, YOUR AGENT. WHEN YOU GET THAT HOUSE YOU WANTED, CELEBRATE THAT YOU DID WHAT YOU NEEDED TO DO TO GET THE BANKS TO APPROVE YOU. APPLAUD THE EFFORTS YOU MADE TO GET YOUR CREDIT IN ORDER, CONGRATULATE YOURSELF ON SAVING THE DOWN PAYMENT AND SHARE THE MOMENT WITH YOUR PARTNER/FRIEND/LOVER/FAMILY THAT SUPPORTED YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY.

Show some confidence and be proud of yourself. Have a little self-respect that you accomplished something because of your choices. And when things don't go your way, recognize that it wasn't God's will, reflect on what you could have done differently and learn from the mistake, cuz otherwise the mistake will just keep happening. Why? Because you didn't make any effort to change yourself. If the loser guy keeps calling you, why is that? Maybe if you changed your outlook and attitude, the positive energy will attract the "right" guy. The positive energy will provide an aura that losers won't gravitate toward. When you get an "F" acknowledge that you could have passed that test if you'd spent your night studying instead of smoking weed or drinking with your buddies or channel surfing in your pjs. When you don't get that promotion, figure out what it is that you need to change to affect the perception surrounding you. Accept change and change will accept you.

President Obama's Speech

2009-09-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

So it's been awhile since I've gotten on my soapbox about something and traffic is slowing to a halt on my blog so I figured I'd tackle the latest current issue: "The Speech".

Maybe my memory is a bit foggy, but I'm pretty sure other presidents have spoken to students in the past. I seem to recall Reagan forcing us into a physical fitness test. I also seem to recall how horrible it was and how patently obvious it was I was completely un-athletic, as I couldn't climb the rope or the wall. Then everyone seems to be forgetting Bush was reading in the classroom when the 9/11 incident occurred (convenient I think, as I'm sure he was part of the whole planning in that deal, but I digress with my conspiracy theories).

I've seen the questions that the White House has forwarded to schools to engage students after the speech and wow, I can totally see how the indoctrination thing has taken hold. I mean there's all kinds of stuff about killing your parents if they speak out against the government or turning them in if they overstep the bounds that might threaten the government...oh wait, never mind that was Hitler and there is absolutely no freaking comparison to what Obama intends. NOTHING WHAT SO EVER!

He intends to say things like, wait for it...stay in school. *GASP* Not that...please Julius disobey the president because he's giving horrible advice about school. And he intends to say things like, unbelievably, help your community. Not that, cuz charity in our house is completely ignored (I mean in 2009 alone we really stuck it to charity when we donated to Breast Cancer, the Veteran's Administration, raised over $1000 for LLS and bought 2 backpacks full of school supplies for under privileged children). Yes Jules, please go against what the president says and don't help your community at all, please make fun of those poor kids in your class that couldn't afford school supplies and since every one was convinced what the president was going to say was bad told their kids to ignore him. So luckily all those kids will be ignored.

The right is supposed to be the side of religion and Christian charity and maybe I'm mistaken, but I'm pretty sure Jesus preached love thy neighbor and all that mushy stuff. The GOP is seriously acting very un-Christian lately.

If someone had shown up at a presidential gathering that Bush was at with an AK-47 they would have been strong-armed to the ground and put in prison so deep he'd never see the light of day and I don't want anyone to say otherwise cuz we all know that would just be a lie.

Some people are saying: He's a horrible president. By what standard? I mean he hasn't even been in office a year. He hasn't decimated any countries he shouldn't be in, ahem. He hasn't obliterated the economy, ahem. Maybe the Republicans are responding the same way that the Democrats did when Bush was re-elected, we just weren't so vociferous or mean about it. I mean he hadn't done anything to earn our respect. Just as Obama hasn't done anything yet to not have our respect. I think it's ridiculous that people say I don't agree with him (when he hasn't even said anything yet) so I'm not going to let my kids listen.

GROW UP PEOPLE, WE'RE ALL ADULTS AND WE SHOULD BE MAKING DECISIONS WITH OUR HEADS AND NOT OUR DUMBASSES.

Why isn't this called a cult?

2009-07-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

Okay so I've ranted against organized Christian religion, let's do a focus today on the "Church" of Scientology. I really love PZ Myers, he often provides some really good ammo (here's his blog: http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/).

So documents were leaked (hopefully by someone smart enough to realize how bogus this "Church" really is) and the application for getting into the cult, ahem Church was one of them...here's a link to that document: http://88.80.13.160.nyud.net/leak/scientology-class-v-org-contract.pdf

So some things to discuss:

1. Isn't the idea of a religious order to motivate you to become a life-time member of their established organization so that you can avoid eternal damnation? How many religions ask you for the term of your membership?

"hereinafter referred to as the "Church" for a period of
five (5) years / two and one-half (2 1/2) years (circle appropriate period).
Acceptance of my application is based on the following information"

2. Now I know that Scientology doesn't exactly adhere to God & Jesus theories but as far as Christianity goes, I'm pretty sure anyone can become a member of a church as long as you believe in God & Jesus and yada, yada that they spout, but when you go to one of these churches do they really ever ask this and then send you away if you answer yes?

"2. I have never been convicted of the commission of any criminal felony under the laws of any
jurisdiction."

3. This next one really gets me...I mean did anyone ask the founder this question cuz I'm pretty sure that is why this "religion" was founded:

"3. I have no institutional history of psychosis. "

4. I'm beginning to think I should just post the whole document cuz it just gets better, I mean number 3 kinda covers this I think, but I guess they want to be really specific and paranoid that you have not been psycho.

"4. I have no electric, insulin or other shock or psychiatric brain operation history."

5. From the next apparently you can be a drug user but they do not want you to be a drug pusher.

6. So no govt secret organization members can be apply, I wonder if that includes the Free Masons, MI6, MI5

"8. I am not related to or connected with any intelligence agency, either by past history or
immediate familial connection."

7. So the next few seem a bit redundant. more questions about mental history, and government organizations

8. Nope you can't use drugs either

Now I acknowledge that to become just a member you might not necessarily have to follow these tenets, but you can't imagine they are far off as any member of the church is a voice of the church, this is an application to join the church and become a staff member, cuz you know if you're gonna join the church you might as well go all out work for them too.

I really want to know why the media insists upon referring to this as a religion, they more than anyone have the power to call it like it is. From wikipedia the definition of a cult is:

"Cult definitions coined from 1920 onward refer to a cohesive social group and their devotional beliefs or practices, which the surrounding population considers to be outside of mainstream cultures. The surrounding population may be as small as a neighborhood, or as large as the community of nations. They gratify curiosity about, take action against, or ignore a group, depending on its reputed similarity to cults previously reported by mass media."

Bigotry & Racism in the 21st Century

2009-07-12T13:39:00.000-07:00

I usually confine my ranting to religious causes but this really follows the same path so I'm going to post this video and rant. It's me exercising my freedom of speech. Don't worry CIA or FBI, I'm an Obama lover so no threats to the president on this page, the public official that has me up in arms is Sally Kern, a Representative in the state of Oklahoma.

A person on Facebook said I shouldn't compare her to a Klansman because doing so just turns people away from my opinions. The homosexual agenda is dangerous because we're the ones calling people names. Did he really watch the video? So here I won't attack this person but instead the person drawing the ire. His ignorance and condescending views on the topic are just symptoms of the larger problem. That people continue to try to use religion to support their views of bigotry and racism, and because the Bible says something that is subjectively construed as agreeing with their dislikes they are allowed a podium to speak on. To claim that the homosexual "agenda" is more dangerous than terrorism or Islam is just ignorant & irresponsible.

First of all, Islam is not responsible for terrorism, the extremists are. That would be like saying the Mormons are terrorists because they believe in polygamy. Only their extremists do and only their extremists are dangerous. Was McVeigh an Islamist, quite the contrary, he was a, dare I say it? A Christian...but a terrorist. Nowhere in the definition of terrorism are Islamists even mentioned so I guess if you aren't Judeo-Christian you are ruining our world, you are a terrorist or more dangerous than them.

So I've stayed on that topic long enough...moving on. To say that I'm indoctrinating children because I'm gay is also irresponsible. I'm not making my son sit on a pillow for an hour a day meditating while I play over & over in the background that being gay is all knowing...being gay is the way...etc. I'm educating him and his school system so that they don't turn into Sally Kern. I'm an average tax-payer who goes to work every day and provides for my family like every other "average" American. Our economy is not in the shitter because my "agenda" has been poisoning the mind of America's youth. Our economy is in the shitter because George W Bush's puppet strings were pulled for 8 years by Dick Cheney and big money. Our economy is suffering because we paid massive amounts of money to start a war we had no business being in. Our economy is suffering because the Republicans had control of our political system for 4 years and had no checks & balances. I'm really tired of people saying lack of faith is what caused our economy to fall. Look at Israel. One of the countries on our planet where faith is the way of life. You're telling me that country is better off than ours? Please people use your brain when you decide you don't agree with the way a person is living. Fine, you think it's gross that I like to kiss girls (believe or not, at one time I agreed with you) but don't be ignorant and say that makes me a bad person or I'm the reason our economy sucks or I'm poisoning children's minds.

Drawing to a Close

2009-06-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

Wow, what an amazingly successful summer of fundraising! My event, the Seattle Rock N Roll Marathon is just a little over a week away and now I'm tapering and preparing mentally as well as physically, trying to stay low key and get my massages in.

On the fundraising front, a shout out to all that made such generous donations in this time of economic hardship. I know from my own financial situation it couldn't have been easy and thus it is appreciated with much ardor. If you haven't had a chance to donate, my website is still open and donations can be accepted until mid-July (http://pages.teamintraining.org/wa/rnrseatl09/awestwood).

Here's a little tidbit to tell what your donations can accomplish:

-$50 will register 1 person to be a bone marrow donor.

-$100 will pay for the cost of 4 patient's chemotherapy drug prescription co-payments.

-$300 will train 25 peer volunteers who can provide emotional support to newly diagnosed patients.

-$500 will provide patient aid to a person with Leukemia, Lymphoma, Myeloma or Hodgkin's disease for a year.

-$1000 allows patients to meet with health care specialists to design and discuss their disease, treatment plan and prepare them with the info they will need during the treatment process

And even $5 can make a difference! Next time you feel you need Starbuck's, remember what that one day's latte can provide! So many children and adults have been saved by even the smallest donation!

As far as the Washington/Alaska Chapter of TNT, for the summer season (which runs January to June) as of two weeks ago we had raised $770,000. The Seattle group alone running the Seattle RNR has raised a half a million dollars...yes $500,000!

And now I have a request for each of you! Cuz I haven't asked enough already, but this is super easy. Each season on my jersey I tack on ribbons for those that have been afflicted by blood cancers! My goal this year is at least 50 ribbons. So if you have a loved one that has been touched by blood cancer, whether it be directly or indirectly, please let me know so that I can wear a ribbon for them.

You are all amazing and I am so honored to be running for your friends, family and loved ones! Thanks for supporting this cause and know that many lives are being saved due to your generosity!

GO TEAM!

Book Review & Reflections Take 1

2009-05-17T17:24:00.001-07:00

Marathon Woman by Kathrine Switzer

So I've been eyeballing this book for about a year but wouldn't let myself buy it until it came out in paperback. It was worth the wait and the purchase. Even if you're not a runner or running doesn't interest you in the least the historic perspective alone and her drive are inspiring. I've been reading a lot of historical non-fiction lately, as well as autobiography's and biography's. They've all been interesting from the historical context but also in the how they relate to each other. The middle age history versus the current event type books.

I'm digressing and venturing further from my point, so I'll reel back in. To put this story in perspective, the ancient Egyptians "discovered" electricity and made precursors to batteries. Ben Franklin rediscovered electricity and we began to see things like light bulbs and other inventions that could then harness the power. See the disparity? DNA wasn't discovered until the 1950's although many early scientists knew something was there, they just couldn't identify it because they lacked the necessary tools to prove it. I mean, if X-ray crystallography had been around in the middle ages someone like Koch or Pasteur probably would have discovered genetic material. The point is we've only really understood DNA in the last half century. Now to relate this to the book. Women have been around as long as men, who knows which came first? I'm not even going to make that debate a part of this discussion. In some cultures women were revered, until Christianity put them in their place...so from then on women have tried to find their niche in society and earn the ability to be considered equal. Suffrage in the US ended with the amendment giving women "equal rights" but the rights even to this day aren't really equal.

Kathrine Switzer had no desire to be a champion of women's rights, she just wanted to run. And she started a firestorm in the 1970's when she decided to run the Boston Marathon. She had no idea the pot she was about to stir because who would imagine in the 1970's women couldn't run more than 800 meters? Who could imagine that in the 1970's men thought women's uterus would fall out if they ran a distance such as the marathon? That's why women played half court basketball too. They didn't have the stamina to go the full court. I mean women only birthed 15 children to one man and then spent the next 40 years of their lives getting them to school, social activities, sports, and everything else until they moved out of the house. That certainly doesn't require stamina. It's not like they had to get up at 530am to get the house going and didn't go to bed until 10pm when everyone else was in bed.

When Ms. Switzer entered the Boston Marathon she was actually accosted by one of the race directors demanding she remove her number. She was running with men she had more endurance than. One of them, her boyfriend, later first husband, actually wanted to drop out of the race and get a ride to the finish but when the sweeper trucks never came he just completed the distance, finishing well after her. Let's not forget too that this is all before "the running shoe". Not even the Nike Waffle shoe was mainstream yet. And after she successfully completed the race, although not officially because of the ridiculous 4 hour cut-off imposed, women still weren't allowed to run for years after that. They had to sneak into the race.

This issue set her on a path she never expected. This woman was so passionate about women's running that she started an all female race organization through Avon. She was instrumental in getting the women's marathon included in the Olympics so that Joan Benoit Samuelson could win the first one in LA in 1984. She has brought running to countries where women were still not considered strong enough to run such races. She has helped women shed the limitations that the men of their culture has placed on them. And for all of these things she's a true hero for running and for women!

What's new, who knew, I know, you knew...huh?

2009-05-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

I really couldn't think of a title for this so I just typed what came into my head first. I've been a bit remiss I know, but not a whole lot to blog about, or rather so much, who has time? We went to OK, and had a great time. Jules spent his first time away from the mommies and spent the night with my sister, apparently he didn't miss us at all. He had a great time and for the first time expressed a geniune sadness about missing people. He was happy to go home but was sad that he was going to miss Gammy & Papa. It's pretty amazing to see kids grow and learn to express themselves. He's definately beginning to express wants & desires for things and identifying with things I never expected at this age. I'm becoming less concerned about kindergarten as time goes by. He has a couple of "girlfriends" from school. They are twins and super cute. They also have a baby brother who I swear Julius might steal one day when his mom is not looking.

Work is going great and it sounds like I'll still have a job at least through 2009. We'll see what 2010 brings. This year has really seen me do more things I've never expected to do! I'm super proud of Mom, Michele & Aunt Carol for walking the Oklahoma City Half Marathon. Those girls totally rocked it and came in 2 minutes of the race time I predicted for them. They totally underestimated themselves. I've now officially completed 3 halfs and two full marathons now and am looking forward to my full in June and hopefully another half in September. Next year's goals: One marathon, three halfs and a sprint tri (I'm shooting for Danskin).

Reading of late has been really interesting...I think I'll post a separate post for each book: Marathon Woman by Kathrine Switzer, Duel in the Sun about the 1982 Boston Marathon, A book about Dick Beardsley (runner up in said marathon) and The Knife Man about John Hunter - the father of modern surgery. Currently reading The Family That Couldn't Sleep, it's about prion diseases.

The Intimidator...Now Showing Peep Show: Cascadia

2009-04-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

I debated if this post should go on this blog or my Team in Training blog but I opted for this as it's more reflective of my run today and what it was about and less about training and fundraising.

As I came up over the first hill this morning (in OK I would have encountered many hills by this point in my run as all bumps qualify, but I only include hills of significant incline when running in WA as it often feels like it's all uphill) I took a moment to absorb the sight. I've noticed that cloud cover here is very unlike cloud cover in OK. When a storm is brewing there, a huge wall of darkness comes surging at you, dumps torrents of rain, cracks thunder and wields lightning. Here it's like a ceiling. Sometimes it's so high you don't realize there are clouds, you're just blanketed in gray. This morning though was a low ceiling of clouds that looked like a downy blanket. Very billowy, not any real separation, just continuous. And back to the hill, when I came up over the top, in the distance, was a really spectacular sight. I likened it back to my theatre days as I tried to process the scene in my head. The cloud curtain began to slowly appear to rise, with a slight rip in the hem and you could see the Cascades just starting to appear. The sun was behind me so the clouds shadowed the mountains closest to me and as the cloud cover moved away from the mountains the sun backlit them. It was like a curtain rising on the show and most of the lighting starts from the ground up, like shinbusters were being used. It was a really awesome sight to see the stark white against the gray haze of the curtain. So even on a cloudy day there was still some really amazing scenery...onto the intimidator.

I swear it called out its minions today too. As I approached I ended up with a walk break about a half block before it. It was looming, looking fierce with the gray background, at this point the mountains are behind me so the curtain hasn't been pulled back to reveal the sun. As I approached the beast, I had about a quarter of a block to build momentum as my run interval began again, but the gas tank was low this morning. I did make it further this time than last. Last week I only managed about halfway, today, I got 3/4 of the distance. Next Tuesday, hopefully I can conquer the beast. As for it's minions, there suddenly began appearing little intimidators today, more just thorns in my side. Hills that wore me out more than usual probably because I did the extra bit of distance on the big one this morning. But I did almost 4 more blocks than the past two weeks and only added a bit more time, so once I have this down to an hour, I'll add a new hill in.

Evolution...or the analysis of the epiphany

2009-04-12T22:09:00.001-07:00

It seems I blog mostly when I'm touched by something deeply or have an epiphany...this time really is no different. This epiphany has been materializing for some time and thus I've been composing this entry for a few days now, but am just getting around to it.

Initially I started writing here mostly to use the forum as a personal running journal, that didn't really work out well. Then it evolved into an anti-religion rant, which won't go away, just taking a break from the God Delusion right now. I'm still reading the non-fiction though and I've put the down the History of the World for awhile. Although it's really getting to the good parts about politics and Christianity so have no fear, I'll get back to ranting about that soon enough. My latest read though, which only took me about two days, was Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer. I'd read a previous book of his called Under the Banner of Heaven and was really intrigued with his writing style. I've been looking for books that are motivational and incorporate running because that's where my head is, but this blog isn't about that book but much more representative of how my epiphany relates.

So I've been running for two years now, loosely using this term. Logging around 20 miles a month, I know can I really call myself a runner with that kind of mileage? I was training on my own for my marathon this year and doing okay, it was meticulously planned out, including all cross-training workouts and in a nice Excel spreadsheet where I could track it all. I was starting to burn out though in late January. January was great, I did about 65 miles. My best month since June of 07. My plantar problem had flared though and I was having a hard time trying to make up my mind whether or not to commit to Team in Training. Finally all the stars aligned for me to make that commitment, then I got off to a slow start and had a horrible February, back down to 20 or so miles. At my first team practice I was informed no more headphones on Saturday runs, which set in me a bit of a tizzy. Then after my first weekday practice with the team I started walking one day a week with a mentor and talked to her about the headphones. Once I realized what that was all about and they didn't really have the chutzpah to tell me no, I went back to training with them. Curiously though, I couldn't bring myself to listen to music on the Sat runs. I still have one headphone in to listen to my Nike+ updates, but no music. After the first long run like that, the epiphany began to take shape. The light bulb went from 40 watt to 60 watt if you will. I decided that maybe it was a fluke that it went so well and decided the following Sat to maintain my no music run. Amazingly went well again, even though I did most of the run in solitude, I did something new. I didn't focus on my run, just checked my distance every 10 minutes and I started reflecting, contemplating, meditating almost. It was really freeing. I started paying attention to my surroundings more, the vegetation, the people and started connecting with teammates. I've since had some really great conversations on Sat and made some awesome connections. This past week's run was especially refreshing, running with someone not trying to kill themselves, understanding your intervals but also having a lot in common with. My light bulb went from 60 watt to 100 watt today while I was out on my run. I realized I spent nearly 3 hours with this person, had great conversation and relation with and that's not the same amount of time you'd spend with someone getting to know them over dinner. These long runs are 3-4 hours of sharing that if you were hanging with someone you wouldn't have that kind of time to really get to know them like that in one sitting. So that's part oneish of the epiphany.

Part two is realizing that I've been taking life way too seriously. I like having some measure of control and I'll exert it when I feel it's necessary, but it's not always necessary for me to have control. And anxiety is a tool to just make me feel more need for control...so the running is helping quite a lot with that. Apparently seems to be working as I didn't have to peel Michele off the roof of the truck after we got home from Grandma's today (it was the first time I've been allowed to drive it with her, I usually scare the bejesus out of her with my driving). I've used the running to refocus myself and found the two days last week I didn't get a run in I felt it mentally more than physically. I think I may go back to getting a run in every day, even if on my off days it's short. I guess it's an outlet physically for what I keep bottled up mentally. Plus the numbers on the scale going down is pretty motivating. Life is really too short to be so pent up all the time, I almost feel as though I've been released from prison. I'm more relaxed at home, I'm spending more enjoyable time with Jules and even the other kids in the house don't seem to be on edge around me. I must have been a real ogre to live with.

Tonight's really cute thing with Jules too was cuddling before he drifted off to sleep. He clasped both my hands in his. Then he put his head on my shoulder and wrapped my arm around him and told me it would make him happy if I touched his heart. I was reading my book and he reached up, turned my head toward his with his little hand and gave me one more good night kiss. These are definitely the moments I'm going to thank my light bulb for topping out at 150 watts tonight. Hopefully it's halogen and will last a really long time versus filament and will be gone in a week. Oh no, it'll last a little longer than that, I'm not expected to start PMSing for at least two weeks. Hey, nobody's perfect.

The Joys of Parenthood

2009-04-05T07:56:00.000-07:00

So this blog is evolving every day and today's topic will be unrelated to recent posts. Just had a great "conversation" with my 5 year old last night and I wanted to leave a record of it.

I never realized how much they really do absorb on a daily basis. Especially as the parent of one who is challenged in expressing himself due to speech issues. When we started speech therapy over two years ago, he pretty much had 0 words. Within weeks though he was gaining confidence and starting to try and communicate. He still used his hands a lot in our own sign language form but he was understanding how those hand signals made an impact. I think that's why he refused to use them in the beginning, he didn't understand the connection.

Last night though was really amazing and while he was stalling so as not to have to get ready for bed I also think he was genuinely trying to express himself. To communicate his thoughts and understanding of every day life which is why I was trying to be very patient with him. He wanted to let us know that on Sunday here was his list of activities:

1. Go to work at my work and then go take pictures (Mommy's work, that's what she did all day Saturday).

2. Then he had to do his exercise and go for a run and he needed the big bottle for that (what I spent my Saturday morning doing, and he's referring to my camelbak as the big bottle, he likes drinking out of the tube).

3. He was going to then check his email.

4. After all of that he intended to play.

I was so fascinated by the effort he was putting into the details of this conversation. He was very intent that he was going to go to work at my work and I'd have to drop him off and he could use my special key (it's a little security fob that fits on my key chain). And when we interrupted him to remind him to get ready for bed, he genuinely got very upset, tears and all. He truly is one of the two lights of my life (Michele is the other)...

Catching Up

2009-03-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

I've been remiss in my blogging, but with the training ramping up and work being so exciting there hasn't been much time, plus Facebook seems to be keeping me pretty busy arguing politics and ethics and such...

So I finished Infidel and was captivated through the whole book. I would like to read more on the topic because I'm having a hard time understanding the culture and mentality behind Islam and the submission these women are going through. I mean, I guess I understand to some extent, look at Christianity, it's been around longer and had very humble beginnings. Before reading Infidel I was reading "The New Penguin History of the World." I picked it up after I finished Infidel and have finally broken into the Christianity discussion. Before I digress onto that topic though I want to wrap up Ali's story or at least my thoughts on it.

For her to have gone through what she did and still be alive today is a real testament to her fortitude. From the tone of the later parts of the book I don't think to this day she grasps the danger she was in and the lengths the Dutch government went to, to keep her alive. I can't believe they continue to be secretive about the threats they must have been receiving on her life that lead them to the bizarre moving her about that they did. As the reader I could sense the undertone the Dutch were trying to conceal from her but at the same time try to keep her alive. She clearly isn't as aloof as she leads you to believe she is at the end of her time in Holland.

And the atrocities that Muslim women go through. The genital mutilation alone is beyond comprehension. And to think we are friends with Muslim countries. I don't understand how we can argue human rights with countries like China or Vietnam when to some extent the Muslim countries are worse. Now I'm not saying all Muslim countries. But given her descriptions of Saudi Arabia, what we know of Iran and Afghanistan as well as some of the some of the African countries, there are some pretty terrible human rights atrocities happening. And I suppose this is a good segue into my next topic for discussion.

I had no idea that at the emergence of Christianity, Northern Africa was actually very Christian. I always assumed it was brought there by Europeans trying to convert the masses with missionaries. And the foundation of the religion had always been a bit nebulous to me, which I guess is why I've sought out history books to give me the story. Technically, I suppose you could argue that Judaism is the oldest surviving monotheistic religion and it gave birth to Christianity. What almost fascinates me just as much is how many Christian followers know the actual history of this doctrine they follow? I mean, that was never taught to me in Sunday school, just scripture. But I suppose you acknowledge that it's not a religion that is mystic and has unknown roots and one should completely have faith in that and all that it teaches if you open the can of worms of origin. Do modern Christians understand that their philosophy is only different from Judaism because a few Jews really felt Jesus was the Messiah? If they do understand that, I wonder do they understand that Judaism springs from Zoroastrianism? I mean that's really the first monotheistic "religion" and if one looks closely Judaism basically took the tenets of this religion and expanded on it. Then a few Jews took the tenet of the Talmud and other Old Testament books and expanded on that. Technically speaking the Jewish faith is not so much a religion or a culture as it is a population. They have differentiating genetic characteristics and as African descendents have certain immunities to such things as malaria as genetic defects such as a predisposition to Sickle Cell Anemia, Jews have predispositions to such diseases as Tay-Sachs. This is digressing though...

If the creationists want to teach the Bible in schools, I think a prerequisite should be a history of Christianity class first. Then students should have to take both a creationist and evolutionary biology class. Wouldn't this allow them then to free think on their own? I mean, as an adult I would take all three classes. I'll admit I won't be terribly open minded at my age, but I'm interested in how one could argue the facts of fossil history versus the mulitple translations of the world's most popular book...well I've blogged myself to sleep (I'm trying to lay off the zzzz button). Over & out, hopefully this won't stir the pot too much, yeah right. I'm tired of not getting any comments on here...come on people, don't I stir something even if it is in disagreement? I've got the balls (metaphorically speaking) to speak my mind, have the cajones to respond!

Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

2009-03-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

So I've moved from reading about the ridiculousness of organized religion for the time being and have decided to read something new...I finally picked up a copy of Infidel by Ayaan Hirshi Ali. If you don't know this woman's story in a nutshell: she grew fundamentalist muslim, was circumsised, forced into marriage and finally fled her Islamic past, where she divorced and began speaking out about the awful things being perpetuated on women in Islamic countries.

So I'm moved by some of these things already and I'm less than 100 pages in. I've just gotten to her teenage years and it's amazing to me how little is discussed about these countries. We chastise China for it's human rights violations and have trade embargoes etc, but we completely ignore the human right's violations currently being perpetuated in Muslim countries. This women started her life out in Somalia, while Muslim it is not overt and it's more practiced like early Judaism or Christianity, with a mixture of the pagan gods still finding their way in and such. Prayer wasn't held 5 times a day and women were at least a little respected. But Saudi Arabia. I mean all I hear about is that it's the good Muslims and we trade openly with them for oil but this country is one of the worst...and we invade Iraq? Really, it's clearly about who has what you want and not about humanity at all. Obviously China has nothing we want or we would ignore their human rights issues as well.

This poor woman is just the story of one woman too. But she's speaking for millions. I'm amazed, moved, horrified at the detail she went into when she was describing her "circumcision" and would have preferred to look away from the page, skip the paragraph. Like I told Michele last night though, this woman was brave enough to tell her story, so I will be brave enough to read it. And now I feel compelled to spread what I can about it. As a lesbian I have my own causes, gay marriage, gay parenting rights, etc but I can live freely. I don't have to hide who I am here. Of course there are people that don't approve of my lifestyle, but I'm not going to be stoned when I walk out of my home for it. Granted I know it's not like that in the whole US but that is why you choose where you live carefully. I mean, and I'm not trying to offend but make a point...if you are a fundamentalist Christian you don't move into the heart of Iraq, and it's the same for gay people. I've made the point and I don't want to digress from the point of this woman's story. Her mother wanted to live in Mecca yet she wanted to be able to move freely about her environment. The author feels that her mother's strength contributed to who she was but as I read this story her mother was far weaker than any of the men. She beat her children and blamed anyone and everyone but herself for her misfortunes. She wouldn't take responsibility for her actions and her children paid the price, yet the still loved her or at least defended her and claim to have understood her. I'm anxious to get back to the story...Ayaan is just reaching her teenage years and discovering love, but I know things are about to go very bad for her, like they haven't been horrible already.

Less Running, More Chemrulz

2009-02-16T21:35:00.001-08:00

Well this blog has turned more into a forum for my debating such things as evolution and biology...so I guess it's more chemrulz, not so much running...My latest is comments on PZ Myers blog http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/ as well as some more God Delusion. I was steered to PZ Myers blog by someone of likemindedness, but whom I shall not out as they still live in the midst of conservative Christiandom...shout out, you know who you are...

1. From my most recent readings of the God Delusion

Dawkins made an amazing analogy for how especially early Christians perpetuated passing judgement on those they felt were witches.
The discussion was about the fact that Christians were shunning a group of people for their beliefs in witchcraft and then began to make the point: they chastise a group when their beliefs themselves are in a man who can walk upon water, raise a dead man from the grave, turn water into wine, etc...you get the point.

2. To PZ Myers blog

As I'm just getting to know Dr. Myers I've decided to start myself at the beginning of his posted blogs. I've only gotten a couple in and already I find myself amused...
The one I was just reading was about how the Israeli's wanted to build a Christian Theme Park and apparently Pat Robertson had some leverage in this until he made one of his assinine comments (I know, doesn't he do that when he opens his mouth?)
What amused me more than the telling of this were the comments at the bottom, most notably, if you order water at this theme park, will it be turned into wine?

Many thoughts

2009-02-06T13:19:00.000-08:00

This blog is a catch up of all the things currently going on and little bit of nonsense too...it could be long...

1. Finally took the plunge and joined the Team in Training summer season...I'm so excited about my first practice tomorrow and can't wait to get home and get to bed so I can run with the group tomorrow. Michele thinks I'm crazy. This cause drives me out of my comfort zone that's for sure. One, I'm no kinda early riser, the later the better the happier I be. Two, Saturday is my one day a week I'm allowed to sleep as late as I want and here I am givin' it up to run, if you know me, you know how crazy this is...Three, I hate asking people for money for personal things let alone for a cause that may never touch their lives, but I do it because it's important and darn, I'm passionate about it...

2. I'll rant at Myspace

3. Michele doesn't understand the draw of FaceBook and how it can get so addicting...for me I never wanted to lose connection to the people I'm talking to, circumstances just had it work out that way. She's not really into the communication by typing method, she'd just prefer to talk to you. But to me that means you have to have something kinda important to say if you are going to talk to a person. Mine's not usually important, just a sharing moment...

Well I guess I was about as succinct as I have ever been in my life...it's probably the lack of sleep and the fact that I took two benadryl this morning instead of two tylenol and have therefore felt like I've been in a fog all morning...to work I go...

Kid Lit. (no, not kids on fire)

2009-01-29T10:52:00.000-08:00

So after my waxing philosophical on my last two posts my brain cells are fried from all the thinking and need a few days to regenerate...plus the book has hit a lull and there hasn't been anything good to rant about...

Let me preface this blog with, "I have an addiction." I suppose it could be destructive in these times of economical recession but I've learned to manage it a bit better and I only spend when I have a gift certificate or a really good excuse to buy. My addiction is books...many, many books. I have so many that a good portion of them are boxed up in the garage and my wife was kind enough to record them on a home library site so I know what I actually own (although I've never used it and I'm not sure either one of us would know how to find the site again). Pretty close to all books too, I have a wide assortment of fiction and non-fiction. I will also admit that I have not read every one them, I'd like too but there are so many that sometimes I just have to be in the right mood. That being said I told Amy I would post some kids book that I enjoy though so some mindless banter is prepared for today. I'm not one to just make a list either so be forewarned that while there is a list, explanations will be included...I'm full of things to say and this is my favorite medium for expressing my own personal opinion...

1. The Harry Potter series (enough said)
2. The Eragon series (although I admit I have not yet read Brisinger, but it's on my list)
3. Madeleine L'Engle's Wrinkle in Time series: I love this series and it is a classical children's choice. She reminds a bit of CS Lewis in her attempts to tell stories with a religious undertone but is pretty overt about it in the final book of the series: Many Waters. The best part though is it has a scientific overtone with a bit of the fantastical mixed in. Great read from the classic standpoint and lots of good lessons about perserverence and self worth. (I warned there would be opinions).
4. A Series of Unfortunate Events: Yes I know its all so unfortunate what these kids have to go through, however its a good moral story of sticking together and the importance of family. Also promotes critical thinking skills and vocabulary. Besides how can you not like an author who describes the kids looking down a dark elvator shaft (The Ersatz Elevator) by giving you 3 pages following that are all black? That's funny right there, I don't care who you are.
5. Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer: although I'll admit I haven't read the latest one, mostly because my bed time reading kids books consists of Dora, Diego, Little Einsteins, Mercer Mayer, or anything Tonka (I'm proud to say that my son's first word to read was Tonka, he's been able to do it since he was two, that's all boy right there) therefore I refuse to read kid's books once I go to bed, there must be espionage, intrigue, suspense (I know you can get all that from kids books but there's no blood). I digress. I love these books as there is very much the fantastical in it and it's also very believable, much like what Anne Rice did for Vampires. While Artemis tries so hard to be bad, it's usually for a very altruistic reason and in the end the kid always ends up doing good. Other great characters are the Lep Recon agent Holly Short and the creature Mulch Diggums (how can you not like a character that burrows underground with his mouth and shoots it out his ass as he burrows, watch out when he lets down the flap on his drawers, it's gonna get ugly)
6. Other great books by Eoin Colfer are Half Moon Investigations (I hope he writes more than one of these), the Supernaturalist, and Airman.
7. H.I.V.E. or the Higher Institute for Villainous Education: A great quick read, with a lot of action. The kids are taken to a private island (they are mostly geniuses and not all willing to go) to be trained as the next batch of villians in the quest to take over the world.

Well this is my short list, I'll post some more later. Happy Reading

Why is the obvious ignored? or Why can't religion be as obvious as science?

2009-01-26T23:21:00.000-08:00

Okay so I continue to read the God Delusion (and now my partner is threatening to take my computer away because I'm blogging at 1130 at night, she thinks I'm facebooking, surely I'm not that obsessed, I digress)....

As one adjusts to Shakespeare's prose while reading I'm beginning to translate more efficiently Mr. (probably Dr. but I can't find a reference to an MD or PhD so we'll stick with Mr) Dawkins language thereby processing his cogitations more rapidly. Unfortunately I'm beginning to think, think, think (in the spirit of Winnie the Pooh). So his whole book is basically just trying to prove that the existance of God is not only false but perpetuating the belief has potential dangers associated...well gee you think? I mean granted Jihad isn't about our "God" (using the our loosely as I was raised in a Christian family, technically I suppose you could call me God coffee because that what I worship every morning) but it is what the monotheistic belief of one God can do to a population, so I suspect that is the point he's trying to make.

From my perspective I'm a scientist, no denying that I believe whole heartedly (sic?) in the theory of evolution and always will (and for those of you out there who are believers, this is not my attempt to convert you, if you don't like it, don't read it...) but even still how did we emerge from the classical primordial ooze to walking upright with opposable (sic?, spelling is very important to me, just not enough at this hour to look every word up, I know I know if I had the time to type that explanation I had the time to look it up...shut up!) thumbs? Clearly it took millions of years and I'm sorry anyone that really believes the earth is thousands of years old, really? I mean come on, evolution doesn't tell us that geology and chemistry does...get over it, the world was not created in like 1100 BCE.

So why do I log on so late at night when I'm not snowed in like my cyber friends back home and I have to get up early to go to work? Because I got to thinking (take cover, something will probably blow as a result) and I figured if I'm going to write it down in the margin why not put it on my blog to time stamp it as my idea. They might not be new but I might as well take my chance of getting on the lawsuit bandwagon and win my lottery too right?

So here's my primordial ooze explanation: one thing I never hear mentioned about this Big Bang is all the radiation that had to be generated. Like lots of atomic bombs dropping every minute. In the beginning it had to be like every nuclear country decided to fire off their entire arsenal at once. Well, we all know (or at least those of us that trust the science) that radiation causes mutations so why not in the very beginning? Cells used in scientific research all the time were immortalized by radiation, why can't a single celled organism mutate to divide and continue to grow, oh wait it can, it's called a tumor. Okay so I'm not putting a positive spin on the whole mutation thing but isn't it by it's very nature considered negative? What if early forms of life were nothing more than some type of tumor? I mean we've seen tumors with teeth and eyes, hair even...why not an early brain? Sensors for light and sound "evolved" from mutations to be a bit more complex. We already know that mitochondria at one point probably existed on their own or were like a bacterium. I see mitochondria a bit like plasmid DNA in bacteria. It was probably essential at one point but once the extra information it carried was mutated and expanded it usefulness ran out. Something like the evolution of Blu-Ray from 8mm film...we're just a higher form of technology right? Whose to say two heads aren't better than one for that matter? I mean what if an arm was useless the first time the mutation cropped up, but then the bearer realized maybe I can teach my brain to control this appendage (probably not formed quite that well, but it was an association more than an actual thought, cause and effect baby cause and effect) so they began to use it. Ones that had mutations with fingers realized they could do even more until eventually they are the "fittest" and kill off the ones without them. One day it may be normal to have two heads, take the whole right brain/left brain to a new level. One head is creative while the other is logical...things would really take off then.

Well I've exhausted the ideas generated from the 2 pages I've read this evening...so hopefully I'll have no more creative ideas to keep me awake. I thought reading this book would knock me out, who knew? Apparently not me!

Random thoughts

2009-01-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

So I realize last night just how precious children really are and how doggone naive. Also how much we shape who they are and how materialistic we can all be. It's the big 5th birthday and every year I want to be super mom and go balls to the walls (I don't have them, but you get the allusion). Party, decorations, gifts, cake, the whole 9 yards right...well I'll be damned if we aren't in the middle of a cotton-picken recession (I often revert to my hick roots, forgive the language barrier for those of you that can't translate Okie) so we have to be frugal this year (& oh yeah, I'm supporting 6 people right now-for more information see MySpace rant...if you can't then you probably don't need to see it). So no huge party with friends, only intimate with family, wants it at Chuck E Cheeses, we manage that with cousins, aunt & Grandpa (thanks for contributing Grandpa). We don't get to do the big blow out though where they sing happy bday to him personally and give him a cool mylar balloon with his name on it or a cool CEC cake...but we get the pizza and the tokens. Turns out the tokens were even more important than the pizza and the whole CEC thing? Just creeped him out anyway. So I would like to have spent hundreds on gifts that would have just gotten shelved with the other billions of toys he never plays with (if it has a Hot Wheels sticker or some association it's safe, same goes for trains anything else is pretty pointless). So we ask him what he wants and he says an RC helicopter. My lovely wife finds a fairly inexpensive one that hopefully will satiate the need. He asks for a few other things, but alas a budget this year. So what is the point of this story you ask? I'm getting there, patience is a virtue, if I have to have some so do you darnit! So I'm doing bedtime last night (one of my favorite times of the day, as we get to read a book and cuddle) and I ask the question,"Did you have a good birthday buddy?" And his response was, "yeah Momma, I got everything I asked for..." I was practically in tears and so proud of the little guy for not saying mostly but I didn't get everything I asked for. I think he's going to be a charitable soul...

So I'm reading (or trying to anyway) the God Delusion by Richard Dawkins...if you know me then you know I'm pretty areligious. And I have a fascination with monotheism. The book makes some really valid points (well at least to me anyway, as we have the same belief system) but it's kind of like trying to read the Dead Sea Scrolls. You know there are bits and pieces and words missing so you kind of have to decipher what they said but this guy is kind of like that. I get that he's a Brit and all, and very well educated but does his English have to be so damn proper, I mean come on, Americans are gonna read this book, we don't have a flowery language, we do use ghetto English. I mean we're like the lead in Pygmalion to the proper English speaking professor. Anyway I might as well be reading Shakespeare cuz sometimes I just don't get this guy. I do however get the gist of what he is saying and it's all so logical. I understand the need for religion, the need to believe in some higher power...but to take it all so literally just makes no sense to me. Like the part where he was talking about the virgin birth. Some valid points, why did they go to Bethlehem? Apparently in Micah there is a prophecy that the messiah is born there. Okay so all these old dudes know that have to work that in to make the story convincing...fine then they have to get to Bethlehem from Nazareth to fulfill that prophecy. Next two of the old dudes have conflicting stories, both blatantly flagrantly wrong but they don't care, they're just telling a story. The one that gets me is the one that claims there is a census and because Joseph is the house of David he has to travel back to his "hometown". Apparently David is like 20 some odd ancestral lines removed so why on earth would Joseph have to go back there for a census? I mean that's like saying we're all descendents of Adam & Eve so everytime there's a census we have to go back to the Garden of Eden...secondly why would it matter if Joseph did have to go back there. Apparently only men were counted so why would you trek a pregnant women all that way. It was a virgin pregnancy and therefore technically he's not of the lineage of David right? Or am I missing some basic genetics in here? Anyway, the book is finally getting interesting.

Well that's all I have random going on in my head right now...

The Information Age

2009-01-16T22:20:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this whole blogging thing is apparently getting lost on me. But the communication going on these days via the web drives me to a response. Maybe this can be my new creative outlet that the shrink thinks I need. All work and no play makes Amy a dull girl, I know, I know...but I just lOOOOvvvveeee science. Freaky geek alas.

I just started getting into Facebook and I'm amazed at the networking capabilities. However it certainly still has it's faults and limitations. Like with the phone people will usually pick up or you at least get the answering machine, with email they can just delete you then say, "oh sorry, i guess that went to my junk email folder." Kinda hard to use that excuse with the phone. I know, I know, people can still make up an excuse but its a bit harder to believe. I hate the non-responder, you in particular one person out there that contacted me after like 15 years then dropped off the planet again. Don't yank my emotions like that. My happy little life is so wrapped up in this little box that you must respond or make me go crazy. (For those of you just getting to know me, or have known me for the past 30 years and didn't know I could make a joke, that was one). At least the part about my life being happy, I mean wrapped up in the little box, I mean being driven crazy...LOL! Not so much about that one person who has dropped off the planet again...you know who you are!

I'm not sure why I felt compelled to write today. I suppose Amy inspired me with her ever enlightening sentiments on her Facebook page. I'm still laughing at cymbalism...and kicking myself for not thinking of it. My creative element had burned out that day. I since have a new filament though. I won't so easily set you up next time.

Honestly though, I'm loving the reconnecting, but not so much the illuminative issues that are arising from my ghostly past. I had no idea how judgemental and the misperceptions I had about high school. I really think I wasn't a snob so much as insecure and non-descript, but I now realize that it allowed me to cloud my judgements about others. Don't get me wrong, there are still people I think were (are) bitches but maybe not all the ones I thought were (and Maurice, I never thought you were a bitch, you know who you are if you are reading this). Of course I didn't exactly leave my hometown in a quiet little Prius, more like kicked out for burning all the Bridges of Madison County, but hey I didn't think anyone liked me anyway, I certainly wasn't having a Sally Field, "they like me, they really really like me" moment.

We the creative juices have drained for the day and I've got to cozy up to my new Clive Cussler book. I get to sleep in so I can read late, late, late...

New Year's Revolutions

2009-01-07T21:13:00.000-08:00

I never been one to set New Year's Resolutions so this year I decided to reinvent myself and set Revolutions because 2009 is going to be a revolutionary year for me. Personally and professionally.

My marathon goal for this year is to knock another 30 minutes off of my PR. So I'm shooting for a time of 5:45-6 hours. I've started training on my own but will be participating again with Team in Training so that I can raise money, train with the team and run the inaugural Rock and Roll Marathon in Seattle...Can't wait!

More time playing sports with Jules will definately be a priority. Basketball is fun to watch them try at this age but he wants to play soccer this summer so we'll see if he develops into a sport. I fear football is going to be his forte' though. At nearly 5 he has a barrel chest. Hopefully we can get him in the pool instead.

Michele really wants to get her art out there so hopefully she can sell some pieces online or I can get some hung at work. I think she has some posted on her blog:

http://artography7.blogspot.com/

Jody is on her final push to finish school so her little family can move on and ours can start growing. We'd like to add an addition in the next couple of years so the planning can begin on that!

Well off to a great start and I can't wait to see what '09 brings!

Happy New Year!

Christmas is nearly here!!! Aughhh!

2008-12-22T13:32:00.001-08:00

Well the time has nearly come for the stockings to be hung. We are holiday challenged this year as the bug that has bitten us is not holiday cheer but holiday fear. Not even fear so much as just not in the mood. I'm sure the dwindling economny has nothing to do with it either. Alas I guess every year cannot be a bonanza.

Training is going fairly decent. Had to take a week off for another injection but felt pretty good after last night's wog. A little twingy this morning but I'll treat it with gentle loving care tonight so I can get a run in tomorrow. Alas no Biggest Loser to entertain though. Maybe I'll trek out in the foot of snow we have for a run. Uh, yeah, right.

This is the first official week of training for "The Crew" for the OKC Memorial Half Marathon so I hope they are feeling the drive...I'm having a little issue with it but my training is a lot longer than theirs as I'm doing the full marathon at Sequim in June.

Happy Holidays!

2008-11-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

My baby brother’s wedding was beautiful and they both looked
so happy! Glad we were able to make it back for it.

We’ve managed to get one good walk in…but it’s time to start
pumping the ladies up and get them motivated so I’m going to insert a ticker for them to count down and blog about everyone’s progress from week to week.

Of course they don’t know this yet but hopefully it’ll get them excited to get walking. Our first obstacle is a tshirt design.

There will either be five or six of us, all women ages from 57 to 30 and in different relationships to each other. To me its my mom, sister, aunt, partner and possibly sister-in-law. Some early ideas: Sexy six or Fearsome five. These don’t seem “glamorous” enough though, please comment on anything you think is good.

We’re currently still in OK and enjoying the visit, I hope to get all the ladies out for walks a couple of more times!

OBAMA is PRESIDENT of the USA!

2008-11-04T20:51:00.000-08:00

ELECTION DAY - OBAMA WINS!

2008-11-04T20:37:00.000-08:00

Well I voted a week ago and watched the election coverage like it was a college football game or a Red Sox World Series Game 7. It was great and nail biting at the same time but so happy to see Obama pull out the win. Watched McCain concede with dignity and WOW! what a landslide!

Hope everyone voted and regardless America made a stand and spoke with a loud and clear voice this election period. It was great to see the record numbers and to hear even the young people talking about this election!

The next 4 years are not going to be perfect but I can bet they'll begin the journey out of the abyss that (ahem) President Bush led us into.

Catching on...

2008-10-21T22:12:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm starting to finally get used to this blogging thing. I feel obligated to keep up with now that my partner is blogging too.

So to take a page out of Air-run Hamby's book I'll start blogging about the things I'm trying to accomplish. Maybe it keep me accountable.

1. I NEED TO SERIOUSLY LOSE WEIGHT! So I'm back to working out like a crazy person, no offense to the insane. Currently running about 12 miles a week, boxing three days a week with the heavy bag (3 rounds), jumping rope and some weight bearing exercise. What more motivation does one need than watching the Biggest Loser and feeling like you're looking in the mirror.

2. I'm hooked on distance running. I think I'm addicted to the shiny medals and "free" t-shirts. One day I'm going to buy the book "I do it for the T-shirt" to find out what it's all about. 26.2 miles is some kind of accomplishment and so far I've set a PR (personal record for the newbies). Not so for the half-marathons though, but in my defense I ran the last one on little training while going through physical therapy from my last marathon. Next time that I run a half I'll do better.

3. Can't wait to walk the OKC Memorial with the "girls". It's going to be a blast. Maybe they'll get hooked on the shiny medals too. Or they'll curse me when it's all over and throw them at me.

Today's training update:

2.85 miles on the treadmill at a 13'50" pace
3 rounds of heavy bag
10 minutes stationary bike
Weight bearing exercise

And to close, here's some pictures of the most handsome guy in my life:

Blogging again...

2008-10-17T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well it's been awhile as I'm not really into this yet...

but to start with an update:

1. I ran my half-marathon and raised $1300 for charity. WOOHOO!
2. I got the blah's and refused to exercise so gained back all of my pre-marathon weight. WAH!
3. Got back into training a few weeks ago and am feeling great! CHEER!

Family update:

1. My little guy is 4.5 years old now and weighs a whopping 55lbs. OMIGOSH!
2. My beautifully talented partner enrolled in a photography class and has found her creative groove again. YEAH!
3. My little brother (who is 24 years old) is getting married to his girlfriend (who I think he's been dating longer than I've been married-8 years...you do the math). CONGRATULATIONS!
4. My sister-in-law got her Associate's Degree. WAY TO GO!

Now a little expounding on the above:

I've been battling a foot injury since my marathon in 2007 (yes that is a long time ago) but it was doing better while I was training for the April OKC Memorial Marathon (instead I had shin splints that I had to rehab post Marathon). It was even doing good for the half-marathon training, of course that training was pretty limited because of the physical therapy I was going through for the shin-splints. However those cleared up and I did the race only to come away with plantar fasciitis a second time. EEK! Saw a new doc though and got three terribly excruciatingly painful cortisone shots in the heel and have been doing a lot better. I think that's why I got the workout blues. Now I'm trying not to go crazy so I don't reinjure myself. I'm not technically "training" for anything right now but am trying to do mileage buildup to begin training for the North Olympic Discovery Marathon in June 2009. I've run the half which was my first distance run but am eager to do the full. We're walking, yes WE ARE, my mom, sister, aunt, and partner, possibly my new sister in law, the OKC Memorial Half this coming April which I think will be more like a party. I can't wait for all of them to get their medal and say the did a half marathon.

More updates to come in later days...

2008-05-13T22:15:00.001-07:00

Well I've ventured into new territory with this blogging thing. I'm not one to talk about myself at least not where all the world can see it but it seems to be a cool way to get to know people or even just vent.

I've got a great job working in the biotech industry, because of it I got to go to Copenhagen, Denmark this year but unfortunately didn't really get to see a whole lot.

As for my personal life I have a beautiful little boy who is 4 years old and blossoming:

It's a bit of an old pic but you get how cute he is.

My beautiful partner is an amazing artist and hopefully I can get her addicted to the internet too so that she can start selling some of her beautiful works, here's an example:

This painting is about 4.5 feet tall. And absolutely amazing. In future blogs I'll post some of her woodworking and twist her arm to photograph her screen prints.

I'm currently training for a half-marathon and I'm raising funds to support the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team In Training Program. Go to my Team in Training site to donate.