New ink! Yay! And this one felt really personal and defining, but in a good way. I'm quickly learning that getting a tattoo is almost secondary to what is really occurring. I guess that's bound to happen when your tattoo artist is your ex-wife. She has given me a couple since our separation and the last one was a bit uncomfortable. The discussion was more blaming and finger pointing than this time. This time it was just bizarre.
We have a son together so that's something we can always share about. But when she asked me why I picked this particular tattoo, I wasn't really sure I wanted to answer. I did and she said I was putting myself in a box. I almost laughed myself off the table at that one, but it opened the door for a conversation I never could have imagined. A conversation that brought me back nostalgically to our early days. A conversation that reminded me what brought us together in the first place and it almost felt like old times. So now of course, I relapse, I regress, and I reflect.
She finally gave me vague details of why she left. Lack of attention, not attracted to butch women...but those seemed pretty surface. I didn't push. I thought I would be okay with things once she'd moved on. It was much harder than I realized to find out she was sleeping with someone else. I don't really know why that was hard, since I am too. But I suppose it's another piece of the finality of it all. The question is, why the morning after do I want it all back? Then the realization is that I don't want 'her' back, I want an 'us' back. I'm not a solitary person and I'll never be alone because I have this beautiful child that fills me with love. Adult companionship though has always been very important to me. I know I've been labeled a serial monogamist, but I don't care. Some aspects of who you are you can't change. I've realized as I've gotten older what compatibility means though and each partner I've had, has taught me something very new. I've learned that upon reflection none of those relationships would have worked long term (well longer term than they did, 2 years, 4 years and 10 years) because the relationship was missing very key aspects. Starting with communication. My first partner and I came out together, explored the lifestyle together, but we were in no way compatible. She was more than twice my age, an artist and an alcoholic. Sadly she died in 2006 and I only hope that she found some peace and revelation in her life. My second 'long' term relationship was almost as incompatible. Two very different paths and I think I was attracted to what she stood for. She was a single mom who was very determined and achieving. She had very defined aspirations and she worked very hard to make sure her son had every opportunity life could throw at him. But her son was her world and I needed too much attention. Many gifts beyond worth were received from that relationship however and I only regret how I left it.
The largest lessons though were learned from spending 10 years with a person and many things I thought I knew about myself it turns out must not be true after all. The one comment from that whole exchange last evening that I cannot seem to shake is when she was describing her new 'love'. I said she seems like a nice person and her response was,"she really is and she's a caregiver, she just wants everyone to be happy." She described how relaxed she is now even when she's stressed out by life and content she is. And I try not to be bitter as I'm still supporting her sister and two kids. I try to reflect that part of her anxiety was driven by me, but I can't help but be angry that she wouldn't even wait 6 months until they moved out to see if "we", our family unit of 3 could even work. My one big aspiration in life was family. To be 'happily' married, have a kid or two, and be a family. I just don't know if I'm capable of that. I can't seem to settle in with someone who is okay with all of me. The reflection is though that I've been trying to be someone I'm not in those relationships. I've tried being femme, I've tried by butch. The reality is I'm in between. I've tried being submissive and I've tried being dominant and the reality is I'm somewhere in between. I guess what I've not tried is being me. And what of those other women, what were my expectations of them that were not met? One was an alcoholic, one was inattentive and the other we just had nothing in common. The last one I could have been great friends with. And had I been stronger, it's probably what we always would have just been. But we both took an unnecessary leap that brought us together, albeit for 10 years, and gave us a beautiful son, but was not going to be "THE ONE" for either one of us. She can now have her blue collar life and her new wife and two kids (because one day, that's what they will be).
Expectations for my life have been shattered because I'm finding you just can't really count on anything. I want/need for my son to have a healthy, happy, secure, and loving life. I can give that to him, my ex can give that to him, we just can't give it to him as a unit. He's essentially already got 3 moms in his life because he already identifies with the 'new love' of my ex's life. He's called me by her name, I'm sure he's slipped and called her mom. That tortures me to no end. That I don't know what his life is like all day long. That I can't be with him whenever I want. That at the end of a rough day, I may go home, but he won't be there. Sure I can be alone, can't everyone? I guess the bigger question is, why would you want to? I've decided that's what suits me best and I'm better at it when there are few people in the house instead of the chaos that's been my life for the past 4 years. I mean, I can be attentive. If given the chance. I can be a caregiver/caretaker when I've got my little family unit to focus my energy on. I guess I'm finding her excuses cop-outs, but I have no idea what's going on in her head. She stated it pretty clearly again last night. "Two years ago if we'd decided to do counseling, things probably would have turned out differently. This time though, I'd already moved past that and I knew no amount of counseling could change my mind." Well I'm glad she finally decided to be honest I guess.
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