Bad Kitty (This post is Explicit, be forewarned)

I know, I know. It's an innocent children's book. No innuendo I'm sure. But when I'm this close to my period starting, for some reason, my hormones go crazy and I'm about 50X hornier than I am any other time of the month. And I know this because almost every time we've gone to a party at the Lounge it was a couple of days to a week before I was supposed to start and I would wear Kitten out. Anyway the point is that because of that my mind has been nowhere but in the gutter today (all the dips on my run graph was me tripping because I was distracted by all the sex music on my iPod tonight, I need to listen to less sexually charged music). So here's the story.

First of all, in case you haven't guessed it's about a Kitty (in my head, insert Pussy throughout the whole book). In the first few pages it describes how Pussy bathes. By licking of course...so it says she licks this way and that way. She licks, licks, licks and seriously I am trying to stay composed but it's nearly impossible when I turn the page and this is what I'm greeted with:

Needless to say, I couldn't contain my laughing, which then led to a coughing fit (still not quite over that yet). Finally composed, we continue (of course Jules is thoroughly confused, but oh so pleased that Momma is amused by this clever little book he's been dying to read for days).

Once we've determined how much the Pussy likes to be licked we proceed to the cautions of overlicking. This is why pussy's should be carefully groomed I dare say. In my opinion, while not always attractive, hairless felines are more up my alley than big old fur balls. Just sayin. In my opinion. Anywho back to the story...so if Pussy is not careful there will be hair balls of course. Which of course then has to be coughed up and you know if it's a hairy Pussy then those hair balls can be quite large. Okay ladies, no innuendo here...a shaved Pussy is a happy Pussy, I'm a lesbo, I know this, I'm not, let me repeat NOT a carpet muncher <steps off soap box>. (Illustration)

As a lesbo, the sight of this hairball, caused a gag reflex to occur. I'm not proud, but seriously, it frightens me. Please shave your Pussy. For me. KThxBai.

So now that we've established the dangers of hairballs, there is further discussion of licking. Still, straight face cannot be had at this part of the book...I mean seriously, how much of this story is about licking. I like licking as much as the next girl, oh trust me I do, but this Pussy is really getting licked. I mean worked over, if we women could do this to ourselves, well we'd never have to date again. Here's the next illustration. More licking.

The *but* there at the end of that page is to signify we are moving on from licking and to the purpose of this story. Apparently what happens is the Pussy gets in trouble. So the Pussy gets punished. In this case the punishment is a bath. Now go figure where my heads at. Insert any punishment here you like. Bath, spanking, flogging, caning...oh the list is endless, just insert the one in your head that you're in the mood for. So the Pussy is going to get a bath. But the Pussy doesn't want a bath. The Pussy doesn't think she did anything wrong. There's preparation for the bath where the Top owner gets everything prepared for her. Running the water, setting the scene getting all the necessary supplies. Then there's the finding of the Bad Bottom Bad Pussy. Here Pussy, Pussy, Pussy. Once the Pussy is found then the beating bathing can commence. Well first there is the convincing the Bottom Pussy that she needs the bath. I'm not making this up either, I'm quoting from the book.

1. Gently but firmly gather Pussy up in your arms.


2. Pet her and caress her lovingly to reassure Pussy that all is well.


3. Tell Pussy that you love her. No doubt, Pussy will tell you that she loves you, too.


4. Now, gently lower Pussy in the warm, soapy water for her bath.

The book plays this segment off as a dream sequence because there's no way that Pussy is going to take that beating bath so easily knowing exactly what's coming to her. Next the book explains that you should *convince* the Pussy she needs her punishment bath. The first thing you should try is a firm voice. When that doesn't work then negotiation, yes, NEGOTIATION (you can only imagine where my head is at this point, I'm really trying hard to maintain composure when this word crops up, but damn it was not easy). When negotiation doesn't work then one should try flattery, then begging (I'm beginning to wonder exactly who the Top owner is in this story), bribery and when all else fails resort to reverse psychology. Eventually Pussy gets her bath. Yes she does and she makes all kinds of a raucous doing it that I'm sure would please disturb any Top owner who doled it out. And more proof that shaving the pussy is good? After the bath this is what the Pussy looks like:

AAAAhhhhhh! As a lesbian, please for the love of all that is sacred, SHAVE the PUSSY!

This is WRONG on so many levels I tell ya. Moving right along. Once the Pussy has dried off (and the lesbian has caught her breath, frightening, all that fur, OMG, I'm on the verge of a panic attack) and the poof ball has receded. Pussy must again tend to her licking. Yes, we've come full circle, the Pussy is back to licking. There will be contempt. Apparently this Bottom Pussy doesn't like after care.

No really, contempt and no after care. As a Top owner give the Pussy her space. She seems to really need it.

Eventually though, your Bottom Pussy will come around and be grateful for what she was given.

Just know that ultimately a clean Pussy is a happy Pussy. (And a shaved Pussy makes for a happy licking Lesbian, just sayin')

A Moment in Time

This blog has chronicled many things. One of those being raising my son, which if you 've been following this you know, I'm now doing as a co-parent with both of us living in different residences. I was the working parent up until his Kindergarten year. I was the traditional *daddy* figure. Get up, go to work, bring home the bacon, spend a little time playing with the kiddo at night, occasionally putting him to bed. Those moments were always precious to me. Especially as he got older and was able to communicate with me.

Now he is in first grade and the bulk of his school week is spent with me. I get him up in the morning and deliver him to his other mom. I'm off to work at an ungodly hour (I'm soooo not a morning person), I work my 8 hours and then rush to his school to collect him every day but Monday. We have yet to *settle* into a routine, but we're getting there. Homework started in earnest this week and it has been overwhelming on many fronts. My dryer broke, I needed to recommit to my workouts as they are necessary to my mental and physical health, he had about 1 hours worth of homework each night. Plus one night a week I'm responsible for dinner. Then some free time for him that's usually less than 30 minutes, bath and then bed. We of course have to read a bed time story each night, which has become my favorite part of the day.

Tonight was a night I really needed though. I've been feeling as though I'm failing, I'm just keeping my head above water, I'm failing as a parent, I'm not meeting all of his needs. His teacher met with me on Tuesday because she was not happy with his coloring (I'm not even going to go down this road with this because it will just make me aggravated and this is a positive post). She suggested we color an identical picture together every night as part of his homework. She also assigned some extra writing.

We started the reading and writing on Tuesday. He did really well. Then last night we tried going to the gym before homework, by the time we started he was hot, sweaty, tired and hungry. Bad idea, won't repeat that. Tonight we went to the store to get his extra homework books. Every time I get to engage with him like this I'm overwhelmed by a child's capacity to absorb knowledge. He did his writing exercise and then we sat down to color. I haven't colored since I was his age. I have not sat still like that without technology in ages. And he talked and talked and talked. And I just listened and listened and listened. At one point he looked at me and said, "am I doing good? I'm staying in the lines. You know why? Because I'm taking my time." Then he paused and said, "I wuv you momma, I'm having fun wiff you." I was choking back tears and could only respond, "I'm having fun with you too buddy."

We were reading the colors of all the crayons (we bought the new 150 pack with unnamed colors in it). He was trying to read them and then confirming with me. Some were pretty funny. And when we were wrapping up and I told him I needed to get dinner started he said, "maybe sometime we could have fwog wegs...they taste wike chicken." I just absolutely cracked up, where do kids get this stuff.

If only real life could be like 1st grade

I didn't blog about this when it happened because I didn't want to give it life. I felt I'd take the high road and just leave it alone but now that my 6 year old keeps bringing it up I feel compelled to.

A couple of months ago my best friend and I had a falling out. As you can imagine she's no longer my best friend. I chose to help a friend in need that happened to be her husband and she was unhappy with the way I handled the situation. I was made responsible for the entire outcome and now we are no longer on speaking terms.

The problem is my 6 year old absolutely adored her. And all of her kids. His first non-family sleepover was on Christmas night at her house. My life was falling apart around me, I imbibed a little too much at Christmas dinner while at their home and I just was a really poor excuse for a parent that night. She rescued me. She was a rock for me when my wife left and I appreciated that immensely. There are some people in life though, that no matter what you do or how you handle your own life they just aren't going to be pleased with you. Again she helped teach me a lesson. Finally I realized I can't please everyone, I can't be there for everyone, I'm not always going to handle the situation for everyone the way they want me to. I'm in a learning phase right now. I'm breaking very old habits and learning newer, healthier (hopefully) ones.

I'm walking him home from school a couple of days ago and out of the blue he says, "Momma can we go to Mel's house again sometime soon?" I knew one day he'd ask it, I knew one day I'd have to have this conversation. I still wasn't prepared for it but I answered.

"Well buddy, that probably won't happen again." I respond.
"Why momma?" he asks.
"Well, momma did something that Mel didn't like and I hurt her feelings. She's very angry with momma now and doesn't want to talk to me anymore." I answer.
"Well you could say you're sorry." he replies. "Like on the playground when somebody gets hurt."
"Well kiddo, I tried that, but sometimes apologies aren't enough. You can say them but the other person doesn't have to accept them. Mel is angry enough at me that she does not want to accept mine. So we probably won't be able to see her again. I'm sorry that makes you sad."

He seemed to grasp all of this, I was relieved. What struck me most about the conversation was the innocence with which he thought a simple apology could make it all better. Of course I wondered to myself, really, why couldn't it? Was what I did so wrong that as adults we can't step back, reflect on all of our actions and just let it go. As with a relationship with a significant other, we make the necessary compromises to work through issues. Why can't we respect our friends enough to offer some of those same compromises.

On the playground, we would have gotten up, brushed ourselves off, cried a little, apologized, maybe even fumed a little the rest of the day. And at the next recess, all would have been forgotten. Sometimes I think children really can teach us adults a few lessons.

Vacation High or Reality Blues

Well I survived my first solo trip to OK with the boy. He had a blast, it was actually pretty relaxing for me and much processing was done. Ironically the expectation that the trip would be emotional was not met and I'm finding the return home is what is getting to me. I suppose this is what is supposed to happen with a vacation, you're supposed to get away and relax and recuperate, but most people in general like their life and are happy to get home and back to their everyday realities, at least that's what I assume.

But the return has been more taxing than the journey. And now I find I can't even vent the way I normally would. I don't want it to sound like I'm making excuses or not taking responsibility for my choices. I don't want to sound petty or weak. I don't know how the conversation got started back in Oklahoma but my sister said something along the lines,"when that happens at my house, you get a 'suck it up'." So I guess that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to suck it up and hope that doesn't make me so skinny I spiral down the rabbit hole once again.

Leona Lewis - Better In Time

I just don't understand this process. If the brain is the control center, then why doesn't it tell the damn heart to get over it.

Here are the lyrics:

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming
Thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All that I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time

Relapse? Regression? Fear of Loneliness?

New ink! Yay! And this one felt really personal and defining, but in a good way. I'm quickly learning that getting a tattoo is almost secondary to what is really occurring. I guess that's bound to happen when your tattoo artist is your ex-wife. She has given me a couple since our separation and the last one was a bit uncomfortable. The discussion was more blaming and finger pointing than this time. This time it was just bizarre.

We have a son together so that's something we can always share about. But when she asked me why I picked this particular tattoo, I wasn't really sure I wanted to answer. I did and she said I was putting myself in a box. I almost laughed myself off the table at that one, but it opened the door for a conversation I never could have imagined. A conversation that brought me back nostalgically to our early days. A conversation that reminded me what brought us together in the first place and it almost felt like old times. So now of course, I relapse, I regress, and I reflect.

She finally gave me vague details of why she left. Lack of attention, not attracted to butch women...but those seemed pretty surface. I didn't push. I thought I would be okay with things once she'd moved on. It was much harder than I realized to find out she was sleeping with someone else. I don't really know why that was hard, since I am too. But I suppose it's another piece of the finality of it all. The question is, why the morning after do I want it all back? Then the realization is that I don't want 'her' back, I want an 'us' back. I'm not a solitary person and I'll never be alone because I have this beautiful child that fills me with love. Adult companionship though has always been very important to me. I know I've been labeled a serial monogamist, but I don't care. Some aspects of who you are you can't change. I've realized as I've gotten older what compatibility means though and each partner I've had, has taught me something very new. I've learned that upon reflection none of those relationships would have worked long term (well longer term than they did, 2 years, 4 years and 10 years) because the relationship was missing very key aspects. Starting with communication. My first partner and I came out together, explored the lifestyle together, but we were in no way compatible. She was more than twice my age, an artist and an alcoholic. Sadly she died in 2006 and I only hope that she found some peace and revelation in her life. My second 'long' term relationship was almost as incompatible. Two very different paths and I think I was attracted to what she stood for. She was a single mom who was very determined and achieving. She had very defined aspirations and she worked very hard to make sure her son had every opportunity life could throw at him. But her son was her world and I needed too much attention. Many gifts beyond worth were received from that relationship however and I only regret how I left it.

The largest lessons though were learned from spending 10 years with a person and many things I thought I knew about myself it turns out must not be true after all. The one comment from that whole exchange last evening that I cannot seem to shake is when she was describing her new 'love'. I said she seems like a nice person and her response was,"she really is and she's a caregiver, she just wants everyone to be happy." She described how relaxed she is now even when she's stressed out by life and content she is. And I try not to be bitter as I'm still supporting her sister and two kids. I try to reflect that part of her anxiety was driven by me, but I can't help but be angry that she wouldn't even wait 6 months until they moved out to see if "we", our family unit of 3 could even work. My one big aspiration in life was family. To be 'happily' married, have a kid or two, and be a family. I just don't know if I'm capable of that. I can't seem to settle in with someone who is okay with all of me. The reflection is though that I've been trying to be someone I'm not in those relationships. I've tried being femme, I've tried by butch. The reality is I'm in between. I've tried being submissive and I've tried being dominant and the reality is I'm somewhere in between. I guess what I've not tried is being me. And what of those other women, what were my expectations of them that were not met? One was an alcoholic, one was inattentive and the other we just had nothing in common. The last one I could have been great friends with. And had I been stronger, it's probably what we always would have just been. But we both took an unnecessary leap that brought us together, albeit for 10 years, and gave us a beautiful son, but was not going to be "THE ONE" for either one of us. She can now have her blue collar life and her new wife and two kids (because one day, that's what they will be).

Expectations for my life have been shattered because I'm finding you just can't really count on anything. I want/need for my son to have a healthy, happy, secure, and loving life. I can give that to him, my ex can give that to him, we just can't give it to him as a unit. He's essentially already got 3 moms in his life because he already identifies with the 'new love' of my ex's life. He's called me by her name, I'm sure he's slipped and called her mom. That tortures me to no end. That I don't know what his life is like all day long. That I can't be with him whenever I want. That at the end of a rough day, I may go home, but he won't be there. Sure I can be alone, can't everyone? I guess the bigger question is, why would you want to? I've decided that's what suits me best and I'm better at it when there are few people in the house instead of the chaos that's been my life for the past 4 years. I mean, I can be attentive. If given the chance. I can be a caregiver/caretaker when I've got my little family unit to focus my energy on. I guess I'm finding her excuses cop-outs, but I have no idea what's going on in her head. She stated it pretty clearly again last night. "Two years ago if we'd decided to do counseling, things probably would have turned out differently. This time though, I'd already moved past that and I knew no amount of counseling could change my mind." Well I'm glad she finally decided to be honest I guess.

Heart Needs to take lesson from Head

Okay so if you know me or follow my blog at all you know I've recently gone through the break-up of my marriage. So what more could I possibly have to write about right? I mean I've moved on right? Absolutely...or so I think...then some dumb new thing happens and I find myself going WTF?

I don't understand why it has to be so difficult. I know why she left or at least I think I do, she won't communicate it beyond,"I'm dying emotionally. I'm not in love with you anymore. I'm not attracted to you anymore. I don't want to try and work it out anymore." Pretty evident what she's trying to say huh? I still don't understand it though. I mean I know I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. And I suppose I'm no longer her "type" since I look vastly different than when she met me. But I'm still the same person, underneath it all. I mean I'm not broken anymore like I was when she met me. And the person she's "in love" with now could arguably be considered that just from what I know of her. Did she dislike being a stay at home mom so much that she couldn't make the changes with me that she is now making for this new person? Was it so hard to fathom working it out with me such that she could work a regular job, get her own car, etc? What happened to the person that was okay with having only one car and being able to jet off to the islands for photographing in her spare time? Can I ever let this go? Why do I keep getting hung up on stupid shit like this?

So here's the head speaking: We were clearly no longer communicating to the point that the likelihood we ever would be able to again was slim just based on her personality alone. She would never be willing to open herself up for the kind of communication we would need. We clearly were no longer compatible sexually and I'm not entirely convinced we ever were after the first 3 months of our relationship started. We make a great parenting duo but clearly that's not enough to base a relationship on. I was just as unhappy as she was, because I've never been in such good spirits as I have been in the past month/month and a half. I never realized how much I missed being social until I've gotten it all back. I can't believe that I've spent the last 10 years living the way that I have when I've known all along it's not who I am. I love hanging out with my friends as much as I love my time with my little guy. I had a great time on my Arizona vacation and loved coming home every bit as much to see my little man.

Now the frakking heart. Why do I still freaking tear up when I run across an anniversary card (oh, well let's put that into perspective shall we: said card was from last year's anniversary which is still less than one year ago, and it said I love you know more than ever can't wait to see what the next 37 years bring)? I mean how do things go from first to worst in just a few months? Seriously I can trace the whole thing, yet why do I need to? I'm just torturing myself with questions I'm never going to get the answers to and rethinking patterns that I can no longer affect. Why did I get upset when I found out that the person she left me for is on the verge of moving in with her and getting a car with her? And I have to imagine that they still haven't slept together because they are both living with the new crush's parents who are devoutly religious. I can't fathom any of this and it's just as upsetting as it is frustrating as it is angering....especially when through all of this it just doesn't seem like she's considering our son in this at all. What's going to happen to him when this whirlwind courtship ends up not working out, oh let's see just like the last one she was in...or does she expect that the last one last 10 miserable years, I could probably have the patience for 15 with the next one and my son will be an adult so no big deal for him to deal with the loss of another relationship. Yes, my son has met the person I'm currently seeing, yes he's seen me be affectionate, but no more affectionate than I am with the other people I'm around as well. I hug everybody. I'm a very tactile affectionate person who craves human contact, just as he does. So he's not getting the message that there could potentially be a new "parent" in his life. I think I actually gasped this evening when he slipped and called me by the crush's name.

I could vent this out for days, what's the point? I need to let it all go. My head gets the rationale, my head understands that dwelling on it is a waste of energy that I could be expending on something more productive. Why can't my fucking heart get the same message and move the frak on?